After 14 months of marriage, I still pinch myself on a weekly basis.
Is this real? Am I really married? It’s hard to believe that after 14+ years of hoping and dreaming, I’m now married.
Marriage if everything I’d hoped for and not at all what I expected. Or maybe the other way around. Or maybe neither and both.
All my dreams of marriage couldn’t come close to the reality of sharing life with my husband – sharing our minds, our hearts, our bodies. I couldn’t have grasped the wonderful mundane of sharing our days, discussing the news, reading his papers, laughing at Facebook videos of our nephews and nieces.
There are certainly some things that are better than I expected, some things that are worse – and some that are just different.
I (foolishly) expected that being married would make me content. I learned that my heart is an idol factory. It moves quickly from marriage to babies to quitting my job to be a full-time homemaker as potential saviors. Contentment continues to require work.
I expected marriage would include fighting. Everyone tells us that. When they hear that we haven’t yet fought, they tell us to just wait – that first one will be a doozy. I begin to not believe them. Daniel and I argue, we disagree, we both get emotional and hurt one another. But we haven’t fought. At least not the way people describe marital fights. Instead we talk through things, we learn to forgive, we keep short accounts by the grace of God. Maybe it’s our personalities, maybe (probably) it’s purely grace – but I pray this will always be true of our marriage.
I expected Daniel would be the stereotypical man: he wouldn’t really care what I got him for Christmas (’cause all he really wants is sex anyway), he wouldn’t care how I decorated the house, he wouldn’t really want to know every detail of my day and my thoughts. These and dozens of other stereotypes, I internalized without realizing it – and discovered that I was dead wrong. Daniel is picky about gifts and aesthetics. He wants to know every detail of my thoughts and feelings. He doesn’t have an “empty place” in his head where he retreats such that he honestly answers “Nothing” when I ask him what he’s thinking.
I thought having a husband for a head would mean that my only struggle would be submitting. Things would be easy because I could let my husband make decisions and he could be strong for me when I was falling apart. This turned out to be only partially true. Yes, Daniel is frequently strong for me when I am falling apart, reminding me of truth when my head is clouded. Yes, some decisions Daniel makes easily, which means I don’t have to make them. But I also have to be strong – I am my husband’s helper when he is confused or overwhelmed or anxious. Decision making is more often a joint venture, in which I need to help Daniel research and clarify issues – in which I need to learn how to communicate both my thoughts and my feelings, as well as how strongly or not strongly I think/feel them. Yes, marriage has lightened the load in some ways – but in other ways, it has made strength and good decision making more necessary rather than less.
I’m sure if I were to think more, I could come up with dozens of ways marriage has been different than I expected – but, for now, the biggest one is the crazy weird weekly wonder that I’m actually married. It really is unbelievable.
What surprised you about marriage?
Before I got married (20+ years ago), someone gave me this piece of marriage advice: be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as Christ forgave you (Eph 4:32). I remember thinking why in the world would I need such advice; I could NOT imagine ever needing to forgive and certainly not the reminder to be kind! Well… :)
Congratulations on your 14 months!
I enjoyed reading this. I remembering hearing, “Your husband doesn’t care how you decorate, don’t bother him with it” (if I’m not mistaken, I think I read that from Elisabeth Elliot, whom I highly regard, but I’m not 100% sure). But I figure it’s his house, too. I usually consult him, and he’s happy to share his opinion and even go with me to pick out items. Thankfully our tastes usually coincide. :)
I don’t know if I have ever put it into words, but I was surprised, too, at my husband needing me to listen, to support, to offer input on decisions. I grew up in a very authoritarian household, and I knew Jim wasn’t that way, but it still surprised me that he not only wanted but needed me in those areas.