Compare and Contrast: Pregnancy Edition

There are many parts of this pregnancy that have been similar to the last pregnancy.

…with both pregnancies, I’ve been told I look small
This never ceases to surprise me, since I feel anything but small – and since I’m now topping 200 lbs (up a little over 30 lbs this time vs. 60 lbs at this same point last time, but still around the same end weight.) This time though, there might be a little something to what people are saying, since both my OB and my midwife have consistently noted that my uterus is “measuring small”. An ultrasound to check that everything was okay put baby exactly where he should be for my calculated due date.

…with both pregnancies, I’ve never had a worry about baby’s health
Tirzah Mae was active in the womb from about 20 weeks until the day she was born, poking and jabbing and prodding. This little one is active at all times as well – but his movement is so different than hers it’s like experiencing pregnancy again for the first time. This little one specializes in stretching – pushing a limb into my abdominal wall and just…dragging it along. It is this, I think, that makes me feel like this baby is so much bigger and farther along than Tirzah Mae ever was (no, we haven’t reached that point yet.)

…with both pregnancies, I’ve gained a lot of fluid weight
I started retaining fluid in my feet and ankles around 22 weeks with Tirzah Mae. With this pregnancy, it wasn’t until our trip to Lincoln for my sister’s wedding last weekend that I could tell for sure that my legs were full of fluid – but the fluid came on suddenly and has stuck around, with pitting edema at least to my calves for the past week. Even so, my fluid gain has been 1-3 lbs per day (versus the whopping 7 lb weight gain in one day that convinced me that something was going seriously wrong with my pregnancy with Tirzah Mae.) And I generally lose about the same amount of fluid overnight, for a much less drastic overall weight gain :-)

…with both pregnancies, my blood pressure has risen
Years ago, a heart specialist diagnosed my dizziness problem as orthostatic hypotension – a fancy term to signify that my blood pressure dropped too low when I changed positions. He told me pregnancy was the best cure. Little could he have known how much pregnancy would turn out to affect my blood pressure. With Tirzah Mae, I experienced hypertensive crisis – my bottom number was 160, a value that’s bad if it’s the TOP number. With this pregnancy, my blood pressure has risen such that I have been in the pre-hypertensive range on about half of my twice-daily checks over the past week.

But even as I list out the similarities, one glaring difference stands out.

…with this pregnancy, I have an acute sense of what could go wrong – and a peace that supersedes it all
I had plenty of fears while I was pregnant with Tirzah Mae. I feared pre-eclampsia, a hospital birth, a c-section, interventions, loss of control. I barely knew what any of those might be like – and I feared them. Then I experienced them – and, you know, I’d do anything I could to avoid them this second time around. But with the intimate knowledge of what severe pre-eclampsia and hospital birth, c-section and loss of control look like, I’ve also gained an intimate knowledge of what God’s grace looks like amidst my worst fears. And that’s why, while I’ve occasionally been afraid I’d become afraid, I haven’t. My mind and heart are aware of the possibilities, want to avoid the worst scenarios, but I don’t fear them. I have walked through the waters and He has been there – will He not be there if I am called to walk through the fire?

A week ago, I was in Lincoln, Nebraska, standing as a bridesmaid for my little sister on her wedding day. At that same point in my pregnancy with Tirzah Mae, I was being wheeled around Virginia in a wheelchair – knowing that something was already seriously wrong with my pregnancy.

This weekend, I was at home in Wichita, walking along the Arkansas River. At that same point in my pregnancy with Tirzah Mae, I was being admitted to the hospital – my OB expected we’d have a baby within 24 hours (we didn’t, but that’s another story).

Saturday afternoon, reflecting on the momentousness of reaching the point where I’d been hospitalized with Tirzah Mae, I wrote the following on Facebook:

At this point in my last pregnancy, I was vomiting into a bedpan while hooked to a million machines. Today, I took a walk along the swollen Arkansas river, sat on a rock with my husband at the Keeper of the Plains and talked about life and our goals for our family, pushed our daughter on a swing, visited the library, and came home to relax and read.

Both days are miracles, small and big evidences of God’s grace.

Lots of people asked me about my health, about this pregnancy while we were in Lincoln for my sister’s wedding last weekend. I shared, honestly, that this pregnancy is going much better than the last one. Which is not to say that this pregnancy is going perfectly or that we are out of the woods – but I didn’t bring that up then, not wanting to put a cloud of uncertainty over my sister’s special day.

Almost to a person, friends responded to my cheerful report with “Praise God” or another similar expression of worship.

And I agree. Praise God that I am walking when the last time I was in a wheelchair. Praise God that I am at home today when the last time I was hospitalized by now.

But please, praise God if I am hospitalized this time around. Praise God if our baby enters the world through my cut abdomen instead of the normal route we so desire. Praise God if this baby is early and suffers some of the debilitating consequences Tirzah Mae escaped. Praise God if this baby dies. Praise God if I should die.

Please, praise God with me for this pregnancy and the last – because in everything that has happened and in everything that will happen, He is absolutely good, absolutely sovereign, and absolutely worthy of praise.

Please, join me in rejoicing as I experience this part of pregnancy I’ve never experienced before: a third trimester at home instead of in the hospital. And please, join in me in trusting that however long or short this third trimester will be, God is sovereign and God is good.

And whether the Lord gives or the Lord takes away, may our cry forever be: Blessed be the name of the Lord.