Sometimes I can’t articulate the
things within my heart
I can’t tell you what
I’m thinking
I can’t tell you what
I’m feeling
I’m not sure what
I want
Except that the ache
grows on
I have wasted my words
Trying to pray
as if God needed my words
to know my heart
Today, I cannot speak
I can only turn
my heart towards Him
A silent cry
“Please”
bekahcubed
Thankful Thursday: Don’t Hafta
Today I’m thankful that I don’t hafta finish my to-do list
I’m thankful…
…that when my plans to finish my dress are derailed by the realization that I need to whip up another baby quilt–STAT–it’s okay to leave the dress for another day
…that when I discover that the person I was hoping to get into contact with is out of town on vacation, it’s okay to leave the call until next week
…that when my heart is too full of prayer requests and I end up praying while vacuuming instead of listening to an audiobook, it’s okay to finish the audiobook some other time
…that when I wake up to rain that precludes any possibility of a bike ride, it’s okay to skip another day (I’ve only recently gotten back on my bike after the disastrously busy final few weeks of school.)
…that when I forget to ask about when that human trafficking talk is and learn only after I’ve already arranged to do something else, it’s okay to not go
I’m thankful that my to-do list is a tool for me to use, not a taskmaster to use me.
I’m also thankful…
…that I was able to get some quality work done on my thesis
…that I was able to dust and vacuum the living room (including getting all of those infernal Japanese beetles from the corners–I’ve been lazy and not been getting out the hose to take care of them. But now, they are gone!)
…that I was able to whip together a quilt top (and even discovered that I had some fabric that I can use for backing–so I didn’t have to purchase more!)
…that I was able to spend some quality time with my dad and my brother this evening
I’m thankful that my worth is not based on what I do or do not do, but that God in His mercy allows me such a rich and full life.
I love links
I know what you’re thinking. “Of course you like links. What blogger doesn’t?”
But I’m not talking about links to my site (although I do like those too).
I’m talking about links to…
well, just about anything.
I love it when my dad e-mails me an article he read online that he thinks I might be interested in.
I love it when someone posts a blog or article on my Facebook page because it reminded them of me somehow (or they just want to share a favorite teacher who blogs with the other person they know who blogs–Thanks, Steve!).
I love perusing a few choice blogs that are primarily just an amalgam of links, such as the political Instapundit and Reformed bloggers Vitamin Z and Tim Challies.
I enjoy clicking the links that occasionally pop up in my TweetDeck as I’m going about my daily business (to be read at leisure sometime after I’m done with my “daily business”).
And I love sharing links with others.
That’s why I have my weekly recap posts–to share my links with others.
That’s why I often tweet links (indeed, it’s about the only thing I tweet.)
That’s why, if you’re a good friend, I might just drive you nuts by sending you links to articles, blogs, whatever as I stumble across them.
I’m not a part of one of those linkie social networks like Del.icio.us, StumbleUpon, Digg, or Google Reader–because I’m not sure if I need another thing to take up more of my time. But I do occasionally wish that I could get more variety in my link reading–except that I want that variety to be, well, proven/pre-read by friends I trust won’t send me duds. So maybe a social network is the way to go…
So tell me, what do you think of links? Do you love them, like them, hate them? Are you completely ambivalent to them?
Do you like to send them but not receive them? Do you like to receive them but not send them? Do you belong to a linkie social network? Which one? Do you like it?
And whether you like sending links or not, if you find something that you think might interest me, PLEASE send me a link. I absolutely love them! (Send links via Facebook, Twitter @bekahcubed, or e-mail.
Desires of my heart
“Delight yourself also in the Lord,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.”
Psalm 37:4
It’s probably the one Scripture I have the most trouble with. Does God really promise to give me the desires of my heart when I delight in Him?
‘Cause I’ve been delighting–and still so many of my desires remain unfulfilled.
I’ve had women quote this verse to me as a promise that I’ll marry someday. I don’t want to believe them. Because what if that is what this verse is saying–yet I never do get married? What if I cling to this as a promise when that isn’t what God intended–and I end up a bitter old spinster?
How many times have I begged God to take away my desires? “Lord, if this isn’t Your desire for me, may I not desire to be married. If it isn’t Your will for me to be a mother, take away this desire to be one. If you don’t want me to foster or adopt, then take away this yearning inside of me.”
Can I take His silence as confirmation? That His will is to fulfill my desires?
I dare not do so and place words that He has not spoken into His mouth.
But here, as I long intensely for what I cannot have, I am tempted to believe that God is not good. I am tempted to think that He is the ultimate tease, awakening my heart to dream only to dash my dreams.
How many time has this happened over the years? Yes, not so solidly as this time, but how many times has my heart risen only to drop to the depths?
Years ago, I wrote these words:
I’ve been seeking
But I’m not seeing
Where are those things
You were going to add?
I’ve been delighting
But I’m not sighting
Where are those dreams
You said You’d fulfill?
I don’t understand
Why You’ve got me in this place
This life that I’m living
is so far from my dreams
I can’t understand
What it means
I don’t know
Why it’s so
But You are Lord
Speak Your word
I will go
I am clay
Have Your way
You are Lord
Speak Your word
I will obey
This verse remains the most difficult one in my mind. I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know how to take it.
So I move a verse further and cling to verse 5.
“Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.”
So I commit my desires to Him, daily pouring out my heart, raising my requests to Him, begging yet again that He would conform my desires to His.
And then I choose to trust in Him, that He shall bring His good purposes to pass in His perfect timing.
Book Review: “Stuff Christians Like” by Jonathan Acuff
View my disclosure statement for more information on how I choose books to review.
If you’ve never checked out the Stuff Christians Like blog, you’re seriously missing out. Every day Jonathan Acuff (or a wickedly funny guest blogger) posts a satirical piece about some aspect of modern Christian culture.
Acuff is certainly not the only blogger who pokes fun at Christian culture. In fact, such sites abound. But Acuff’s “Stuff Christians Like” manages to set itself apart from other sites in that it’s not cynical. Acuff isn’t giving up on Christians or on the church. He’s not setting himself up as a holier-than-thou. He’s just making observations, in love, about our unique culture (which is also HIS unique culture.)
I don’t usually buy this sort of book. Actually, I try not to buy books if at all possible. I borrow hundreds of books from my library each year, and limit my purchasing to books that I’ve already read and know I want to read again and to library book sale items (bought at the going rate of $0.50-1.00)
But I especially don’t buy this kind of book–little humorous essays that you read once and laugh and then put away, never to pick the book up again.
I did, however, get the downloadable audiobook–and am thoroughly impressed.
Acuff does his own reading, which is genius on quite a few levels. Acuff is a pretty smooth reader–with pauses where they’re needed and proper inflections at varying points. But what’s more, Acuff doesn’t just read. Sure–he reads–but he also sings, uses the occasional odd voice, and makes comments about the reading process. It makes for great hilarity.
The contents of this title are a mix of Stuff Christians Like (the website) classics and brand new humorous essays. Expect to hear about honeymoon sex, popcorn prayer personalities, and being the “token Christian” in your workplace.
Stuff Christians Like would make a great gift book for anyone who grew up in the Christian subculture of the 80s, 90s, and today (fantastic-now I sound like a local radio station “playing your favorites from the 80s, 90s, and today!”)If you’ve been on a church missions trip or had your child’s number appear on a screen during a worship service or given or received a tract instead of candy on Halloween, you’re going to be amused by this book.
The book version would make for good bathroom reading, I think–though nothing can beat this audio version. As an individual who is HIGHLY oriented toward the written word (I require subtitles in order to understand almost any movie), I generally don’t prefer audio books. But this isn’t so much of an audio book–it’s more like a four and a half hour long comedy track. I LOVED IT!
Rating: 4 stars
Category: Satirical Essays on Christian Culture
Synopsis: Jonathan Acuff pokes good-natured fun at Christian culture–in absolutely hilarious essays.
Recommendation: If you grew up in the Christian culture–or now belong to it–you’ll probably be nodding your head and laughing along. You’ll like it. If you aren’t a Christian and/or don’t have any familiarity with Christian culture, this isn’t going to make a lot of sense to you.
Forced into Church
Notes on Francis Chan’s
Forgotten God
Chapter 7: Supernatural Church
My dad posed an interesting question at dinner on Sunday. He’d been talking to a number of new members of our church who had not been to church since their teens, when they felt that their parents had forced them to go to church. “Did you ever feel like you HAD to go to church?”
Well, yes. I never felt that I had an option to just NOT go to church.
But that doesn’t mean that I begrudged the obligation.
I wanted to be there.
Church was where I worshiped God. Church was where I spent time with my friends. Church was where I had a JOB to do. It was just a part of life.
Sure, there were days when I wanted to sleep in or read a book–but on the whole, I wanted to be in church on Sunday mornings, and Wednesday nights, and for Bible study or small groups whenever they were.
I can’t really identify with those who felt forced to go to church.
I wonder what the difference was?
Was it because I was homeschooled and church was one of my only social outlets? Was it because I never knew any other life? Was it because I had jobs, tasks to accomplish at church (whether babysitting or running sound or overhead projection or teaching Sunday school or children’s studies)? Was it because my church was just so amazingly hip? (That one is doubtful, by the way.)
In part, it was probably a combination of all of the above. But I think the real inducement was that God chose to call me to Himself at a young age. In His grace, He set a fire in my heart for the church, His bride. I remember praying fervently on the playground as an eight-year old, asking God to save the surrounding neighborhood–Lincoln’s Airpark. I remember shutting myself in the unfinished bedroom in the basement with a boombox, singing praises to God. I remember eagerly volunteering to help out with Missionettes (a girl’s group) as a 7th grader–and stepping in to teach the kindergartners when the teacher had to quit unexpectedly.
Why did I never feel forced into church? Because God, in His great mercy, called me His own–and church was the gathering of His own.
Do I have any advice for parents to ensure that their kids never feel forced into church?
Do I have any advice for churches to make church feel less of a chore for kids and youth?
No.
Not really.
In truth, all your works are insignificant. It is only the Holy Spirit who can make a child, a teen fall desperately in love Christ. It is only the Holy Spirit who can instill in that youth a love for His church. It is only the Holy Spirit who can change lives.
As Francis Chan says in Forgotten God:
“…While I might be able to get people in the doors of a church or auditorium if I tell enough jokes or use enough visuals, the fact remains that I cannot convince people to be obsessed with Jesus. Perhaps I can talk people into praying a prayer, but I cannot talk anyone into falling in love with Jesus. I cannot make someone understand and accept the gift of grace. Only the Holy Spirit can do that. So by every measure that actually counts, I need the Holy Spirit. Desperately.”
Only the Holy Spirit can change hearts and lives. If the church is to be powerful and effective, if church is to be a pleasure rather than a chore, than the church–God’s people–need to be radically empowered by and obediently following after the Holy Spirit.
(See more notes on Forgotten God here.)
Book Review: “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas: A Fable” by John Boyne
View my disclosure statement for more information on how I choose books to review.
Author John Boyne describes his work in an author’s note:
“Throughout the writing and rewriting of the novel, I believed that the only respectful way for me to deal with this subject was through the eyes of a child, and particularly through the eyes of a rather naive child who couldn’t possibly understand the terrible things that were taking place around him.”
Naive is right. Nine year old Bruno is completely lost in 1940s Germany. Despite his father being a commandant in the Nazi army, he has no idea what is going on around him. He doesn’t seem to know that the country is at war. He doesn’t understand who Hitler is–and calls him the “Fury” (as if a German child wouldn’t be able to pronounce “Fuhrer”.) When his family is moved to Auschwitz, where his father is to command the concentration camp, he mispronounces this name too, calling it “Out With”. He sees the people walking about inside the camp wearing their identical garb and thinks that they’re wearing striped pajamas.
I had a hard time getting through Bruno’s stupidness to truly appreciate this book. The story of the boy, discontented about his move from the city to this barren countryside until he meets and befriends another boy through the tall fence that surrounds Auschwitz, is touching. The writing style, while written at a very low reading level, is engaging. The narrator describes young Bruno’s thoughts in a unique voice:
“Then the door of the office closed and Bruno couldn’t hear any more so he thought it would be a good idea if he went back to his room and took over the packing from Maria, because otherwise she might pull all his belongings out of the wardrobe without any care or consideration, even the things he’d hidden at the back that belonged to him and were nobody else’s business.”
Indeed, if it weren’t for Bruno’s complete lack of sense, I might have really enjoyed this book.
The Boy in the Striped Pajamas is billed as juvenile fiction, but is really only appropriate for those who already have a basic understanding of Holocaust history. Bruno is completely in the dark about what is going on, and the narrator never explains it to him or to the reader. The assumption is that the reader will recognize “Fury” as the “Fuhrer” and identify that character as Adolf Hitler. The reader must recognize “Out With” as “Auschwitz” and understand that Auschwitz is a concentration camp. He must recognize, even if Bruno does not, the meaning of the cry “Heil Hitler” and the swastikas on the soldier’s armbands and the stars of David on the Jews’ armbands. From beginning to end, this book will cast a child who is not familiar with Auschwitz in advance into deep confusion.
As such, despite its incredibly simple reading level, this book is really more suitable for a teen or adult than for a child.
b>Rating:3 Stars
Category: Juvenile Fiction
Synopsis: Nine-year-old Bruno’s family moves from Berlin to Auschwitz, where Bruno’s father commands the concentration camp. Bruno is lonely for his friends and his old home until he secretly makes friends with a boy across the fence.
Recommendation: Lots of people read this and liked it. I read it and didn’t hate it. It’s a pretty quick read–so you might as well pick it up–but I’m not giving it rave reviews like so many others have.
An Average Household
In both the 1990 and the 2000 Censuses, the average household size for households with more than one person was 3.25 persons per household. In 1980, that figure was 3.35 persons per household. Because we’re dealing with people, who are indivisible, I’ll round this up and say that the average household contains four people.
In March 1985, when I was born, the Menter household became an average household with a total of 4 people. It held this status for a whopping 19 months before Joshua was born in October of 1986.
Now, after 23 years 7 months and 1 week as a “large household”, the Menter household is again average.
John Menter, age 19, is moving out of my parents’ home this evening–leaving them with only four people in their household.
Introducing the Menters: a dad, a mom, a son, a daughter. At four people, a perfectly average household.
Or maybe it takes a little more than numbers to make a household average.
If I were a good blogger…
I would have broken that last post into four mini-posts in order to achieve the golden rule of 300-500 words per post.
Alas, I am not a good blogger.
I am simply bekahcubed.
And since I need to be fresh to work on my thesis tomorrow I should probably go to sleep.
Hah!
Observations from a Sunday morning
On Singing Men:
I love songs in which men lead out and women echo. Unfortunately, our church has had a dearth of musically inclined men, so we’ve had to make do with having the men sing with a female lead singer and then have the rest of the women echo. Not only does this not sound quite as nice as having a solely male lead, it also tends to confuse the guys.
In the last couple of years, we’ve added two men to our worship team. Neither are really comfortable with leading out in singing–but this week they did so anyway on one of those songs with a male lead and a female echo. Beautiful.
On me singing loudly:
I sing loudly. It’s just a matter of fact. I love to sing and I can’t seem to hear how loud I am. I’ve been told that I’m audible all around the sanctuary–but I’ve never paid much attention to it.
Today, I suddenly realized that I am indeed rather the loudest singer in the congregation. Except for maybe my dad. It was during one song in particular where I was just singing my heart out, when it was like a stopper had been released from my ears and I suddenly heard myself as the congregation might hear me. It sounded like me and my dad (we sit on opposite sides of the sanctuary–me in the front row on the middle of the right side, he on the fourth row at the far left side) were trying to out-sing one another.
Interesting. Not sure what I should do about that–or if I should do something about that. But it is interesting.
On the sermon:
LCF’s pastor had a total thyroidectomy a couple of weeks ago. He had nodules that sure looked like cancer. A needle biopsy was inconclusive. They wanted the thyroid out. He got the pathology report back at the beginning of this week. The nodules were completely benign. (Another member of our church had the same surgery the day after Pastor Jason–for the same reason. Her pathology report came back…negative too. Praise the Lord!)
Anyway, long story short, Pastor Jason’s voice is still recovering from his surgery, so we had a “guest” preacher–a man from our congregation. Brian shared powerfully about the sovereignty and goodness of God in the midst of suffering. He closed with Hebrews 12:1-3, particularly verses 2 and 3:
“…looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls.”
It was a wonderful reminder to fix our eyes on Christ rather than on our circumstances, recognizing that God is sovereign over and works good through our circumstances.
On the guys who serve:
Looking at the bulletin today, I realized that one of either my two little brothers or my pseudo-brother Steve are the leaders in Children’s Church almost every week.
John and Steve lead at “Rock Solid”, our midweek kids ministry. John teaches a children’s Sunday School class. Timothy babysits for small groups every week. All three serve as ushers (taking up offering, doing greeting, opening up and locking down the church building). All three serve on the sound ministry.
Which means they pretty much make their rounds between three Sunday morning ministries and a handful of midweek ones. These young men are to be highly commended–but I also worry that 1) they will get burned out rather quickly and 2) this will cause mass disaster when my brothers leave for boot camp in the fall and spring.
It would do us well to recognize the great service these young men do for our body–and to come alongside them and learn how we can fill the holes they will leave in their wakes.
Thanks, guys.
On the Sustaining Grace of God:
In the Sunday School I’m in, we’re going through II Peter.
In my personal quiet times, I’m reading through the Bible following a plan from The Standard Publishing Company.
I was struck by a theme in this morning’s II Peter passage and a couple of days ago’s reading from the Psalms.
“For this they willfully forget: that by the word of God the heavens were of old, and the earth standing out of water and in the water, by which the world that then existed perished, being flooded with water. But the heavens and the earth which are now preserved by the same word, are reserved for fire until the day of judgment and perdition of ungodly men.”
II Peter 3:5-7
“You who laid the foundations of the earth…
You covered it with the deep as with a garment…
He sends the springs into the valleys…
He waters the hills from His upper chambers;
The earth is satisfied with the fruit of Your works.
He causes the grass to grow for the cattle,
And vegetation for the service of man…
You make darkness and it is night…
You open Your hand, they are filled with good.
You hide Your face, they are troubled;
You take away their breath,
they die and return to their dust.
You send forth Your Spirit, they are created;
And You renew the face of the earth.”
Psalm 104:5-6, 10, 13-14, 20, 28-30
The truth is that God is sovereign in creating, ordering, and sustaining all that is.
Even now, as I type these words, God is actively sustaining the activities of the universe. By His hand the rain falls to the ground, the stars shine, the planets continue their orbits. By His hand I draw these breaths, my sister works on her homework, and my roommate sleeps. By His hand babies are being born, sinners are being reborn, and saints are being welcomed into everlasting joy. By His hand an alcoholic stays alive to continue drinking, an atheist to write a book “disproving” God, a pornographer to produce pornography.
We all, regardless of anything that we have done, are recipients of the sustaining grace of God.
That truth should cause us to rejoice with exceeding joy and shake in absolute terror. His grace is abundant, but should He at any time withdraw it, the devastation would be total.
May I ever be thankful that God has poured out His full wrath on Christ Jesus, who stood in my place–so that only His sustaining grace remains for me.