Kept all these things

“And all those who heard it marveled at those things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.” (Luke 2:18-19)

Some of the mighty works of God, some of the events of our lives are meant to be shared, to be marveled over, to be spread abroad. Some of them are meant to be kept and pondered.

I find one expression easy, the other infinitely hard. How can I not share, marvel over, spread abroad all that God has done and is doing in me? I was not born to be secretive or contemplative–I was born to yell the details of my life from the nearest street corner. And so I frequently do–often using this blog as a medium for those stories.

But what of those times, those events, those experiences that are meant to be kept and pondered? What does an all-out-there girl do about these?

Like the things that Mary saw, the things which are too precious, too confusing, too utterly too-too (a la Nellie Oleson in These Happy Golden Years).

Some things can’t be shared. They are too fresh, too raw, too full of tangled thoughts and emotions to be spread abroad. To share them would be to lay open my heart to be beaten–for I cannot separate my heart from them or them from my heart.

Yet those same things beg to be shared, to be released. If I did not relieve my heart of some of them, my heart would become too full to continue beating.

And so I pour out my heart to God in prayer, and I release my thoughts into a paper journal, something to be seen by my eyes and His alone.

Maybe someday I will be able to share them with you without handing away my heart pell-mell, maybe someday their attachment to me will become less. Or maybe these things are meant to be kept, hidden, pondered, a secret between God and I.

I don’t know, but for now, forgive me as I choose to hide a half of me from the online world, in order to ponder the works of God in private. For right now, at least, it is the time to keep all these things and ponder them in my heart.


Book Review: “What Your Counselor Never Told You” by Dr. William Backus

What if some of your emotional and psychological problems aren’t just a medical problem–what if sin is playing a role?

Dr. William Backus challenges the common assertion that all psychological illnesses are merely a physical or medical phenomenon in this fascinating treatise on the seven deadly sins. Note the word “merely” carefully. Backus does believe that true psychological illnesses do exist–problems that are medical or biochemical in nature and require medical treatment. But, he argues in this book that many psychological illnesses also have a component of sin co-existing with, and often intensifying the effects of, that psychological illness.

One might think that a book about sin would be a book filled with condemnation. What Your Counselor Never Told You is anything but. Backus does more than encourage his readers to examine themselves regarding sin–he also offers his readers practical steps for getting out of sin.

Backus’s stresses repentance and reliance on Christ as the most important step in becoming free from besetting sin. Then, he speaks of “three important rules for success”. First, he encourages his clients to “check [their] Spirit-given internal speech”. Basically, he is saying that we should choose to listen to the Spirit of God rather than the sin-driven self-talk. Second, he encourages his client to “choose incompatible behavior.” If greed is your problem, learn to practice charity. If pride is your problem, choose to praise others. If envy is your problem, choose to rejoice in others’ fortune. The third principle Backus speaks of is “zealous determination.” Here, he says that we really need to WILL to overcome sin. We need to decide that we are no longer WILLing to let sin have mastery over us.

As someone who has struggled with seasonal depression, which certainly has a physical and biochemical link, I struggled a little with the discussion of depression in this book. Backus’s studies have found depression to be highly correlated with the Deadly Sin of Sloth. I struggled with this chapter because I experienced such a rapid and life-altering response to beginning antidepressant medication that I felt sure that MY condition was ONLY the result of biochemistry and had nothing to do with sin in my life.

But as I read Backus’s discussion of depression and sloth, I became more and more convinced that this information, however difficult it might be, is vitally important for anyone who suffers from depression. Backus does not downplay the role of the psychological and clinical diagnosis depression–but he challenges the idea that all depression is “nothing but” biochemical. Backus describes sloth as “sadness and apathy in the face of spiritual good.”

At least from my reading, Backus seems to suggest that many individuals use the real, biochemical, clinical depression as an excuse for sinful thoughts and behaviors. Often depressed individuals assume that because of the feelings brought on by the depression, they have no choice in the matter–and they give in to apathy, slothfulness, and a sinful view of God and His blessings.

I think of Romans 1:21 and begin to see how Backus’s assertion has been true in my own life: “because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened.” There were certainly times when, in the depths of my depression, I turned my eyes from Christ. Even though I KNEW Him, even though I had EXPERIENCED His great love, I turned my eyes to my feelings and was not thankful–and it led me to increasingly futile and dark thoughts. At that point, my condition went from merely the biochemical seasonal affective disorder to the spiritual sin of despair. Marilla Cuthbert was right when she said, “To despair is to turn our backs on God.” The sin of sloth is when I look at my circumstances or feelings as greater than God and His mercies and despair.

While Backus’s book is undoubtedly not perfect, I think it is a worthwhile read for any Christian–particularly for those who suffer from or have friends or family who suffer from a psychological illness. This book can raise questions that can allow you to begin to truly take your thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ. And, if you gain nothing else from this book, Backus’s three step “plan” for freedom from sin include some of the most simple and powerful concepts I have ever seen in relation to overcoming the power of sin. I highly recommend this book.


Rating: 5 stars
Category: Psychology/Christian
Summary:Dr. William Backus discusses psychology and the 7 deadly sins.
Recommendation: A thought-provoking, and spiritually adept discussion of psychology and sin. I highly recommend this title.


Thankful Thursday: Bits and Pieces

Today I’m thankful…

  • For ends and beginnings
    • Finishing my last grading for the semester
    • Packing up the lab in preparation for next semester with Joyce
    • Getting close to done with my last couple of classes (some papers written–still some more to go)
    • Almost done with a couple of good books (due back tomorrow so I’d better be almost done
    • About to embark on an adventure that scares me and excites me at the same time
  • For friends and Menter’s (pun intended)
    • A heart to heart with my mom while baking Christmas cookies yesterday
    • Lunch with Grace (grilled cheese and tomato soup) and help with packing this afternoon
    • Dinner with Rodney and Malinda and then quilting with Malinda this evening
  • For unexpected blessings
    • Being able to get out of my on-street parking after packing this afternoon
    • Having a bright sun-shiny day despite the cold
    • Getting all the lab reports graded today
    • Having Malinda call and invite me to dinner and quilting
  • For the limitless love of Christ
    • He knows me better than I know myself
    • He cares for me better than I could ever care for myself
    • He guides me into things better than I could ever dream of myself

Thank You, Lord, for Your unending love. Thank You for Your mercies that are new each morning. Thank You that You are entirely trustworthy. I give You my life–I am Yours.


Africa calling, Nighttime falling

Working my way through the children’s section of my library, a la Reading My Library, I came upon Daniel Adlerman’s Africa calling, nighttime falling.

The jacket inscription had me a bit worried: “At night when you dream of far away place you will find the animals. They will protect you. They will comfort you. They will call to you. Wander through this book. Let the engaging words transport you, and the stunning illustrations keep you there. The animals of Africa are calling you. Come!”

The part about the animals protecting and comforting made me fear that the book would be pervaded by animism. Thankfully, the book jacket advertised falsely.

Africa calling, nighttime falling

Africa calling, Nighttime falling turned out to be pure poetry, introducing the reader to a half dozen African animals through lilting rhyme and hypnotizing cadence. As the book draws to an end, we see a young African-American girl sitting in her bed, surrounded by her favorite African stuffed animals. “Slumbering through the darkest night, I sleep protected till morning light. Africa calling, nighttime falling. Warmly beaming, peaceful dreaming.”

The artwork is exquisite–three-dimensional collages that combine watercolor, found objects, and torn or cut paper figures. I’m not usually big into illustration–I tend to skip straight to the words–but these illustrations forced me to linger. They’re beautiful, artistic, but still approachable and down-to-earth.

Africa calling, Nighttime falling turned out to be a pleasant surprise in my children’s book reading venture. Why not check it out yourself?


Restructuring my Self-Talk

Self-talk is a common psychological phrase referring to the continual inner dialogue a person has with themselves. Self-talk often takes the form of depreciating remarks–“I can’t believe I just said that” “What were you thinking?” “You are such a loser.”

Psychologists find this type of inner dialogue to be self-defeating. The continual negative dialogue leads to increasingly negative attitudes and behavior towards oneself and others. Because of this, psychologists encourage their clients to replace this negative self-talk with positive affirmations via a process referred to as “cognitive restructuring”.

A prime example of positive affirmation comes from the children’s story “The Little Engine that Could.” The little engine believed that he could make the trek up the long hill–and told himself so, even as the circumstances became more and more difficult. “I think I can, I think I can,” the little engine said. And bolstered by his own unwavering faith in himself, the little engine made it up the hill. Had the engine’s self-talk said “I don’t think I can, I don’t think I can”, it’s likely he would have given up before he had a chance to see whether he really could or not. Or so the theory goes.

Personally, I’m a big fan of cognitive restructuring–but not so big a fan of positive affirmations.

You see, I find cognitive restructuring (the process to replacing incorrect thoughts and attitudes with truth) to be entirely Biblical. Romans 12:2 speaks of not being conformed to this world, but of being transformed “by the renewing of your mind”. I Corinthians 10:5 tells us to destroy arguments and every high thing that sets itself up against the knowledge of Christ and to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” So, thought-control is certainly a Biblical concept.

But I still have a problem with positive affirmations. Why? Because oftentimes, instead of replacing falsehood with truth, we replace falsehood with falsehood. Positive affirmation, by itself, serves only to inflate the ego and give us an overly-optimistic idea of our own importance.

Instead of positive affirmations, then, I am a fan of bringing my thoughts into line with the Word of God. So, when I am engaging in a bout of self-condemnation, I stop and remind myself that “there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). When I’m full of my self, I stop and remind myself to not think of myself more highly than I ought (Romans 12:8).

And then, there are the times when I have to take David’s approach and simply tell my soul what is what. “Why are you downcast, o my soul? Put your hope in GOD!” (Psalm 42:5)

Sometimes I just have to tell my heart what to think, what to feel, what to believe.

Like yesterday, when I wrote in my journal: “O heart of mine, trust in the Lord. O heart of mine, lean on His counsel. O heart of mine, be still today. Be still and know that He is God.”


Christmas Sweater Confession

Ugly Christmas Sweater parties exist in profusion–a chance for everyone to go to the used store and pick up the most hideous Christmas sweater imaginable and wear it to make fun of those fashion-foolish folks who don’t realize that Christmas sweaters are so totally, like, never.

I do not belong to the fashion-foolish. I understand the ridicule directed towards Christmas sweaters. The critics are correct–Christmas sweaters are kitschy, often tacky, rarely flattering–but I love them nonetheless.

Once upon a time, I owned a dozen or so Christmas sweaters–and you could rarely find me without one in the month of December. They’re warm, they’re festive, and they’re fun–what could be better?

I’ve gotten rid of many of my Christmas sweaters because they were beginning to break down from overuse. Threads were coming free, sequins were coming off, ribbons were fraying. I had done all the repairs I could, and now it was time to let them go.

Now my collection is sparse–one solitary sweater, one sweatshirt, one turtleneck, one cardigan. I wish I had more, but shame and a certain fear that I won’t be thought professional if I wear a Christmas sweater keep me from indulging my inner yearnings.

I long for the day, some fifteen, twenty years from now, when I can channel my inner 40-year-old woman and wear Christmas sweaters without anyone thinking something’s amiss. Someday, I will be old enough that people will peg me as clueless rather than simply fashion-inept.

Except that by the time I’m 40, everyone who’s 40 should be aware of the atrocities that are Christmas sweaters.

So, for now, I wear my Christmas sweaters conservatively, as tastefully as they can be done–and I privately apologize to my favorite sweater as I pull it on for an “ugly sweater party”.

Check out some “Ugly Christmas Sweaters” at these online collections. Or, you can create your very own custom holiday sweater. Personally, though, I recommend the used stores–you can find a nice combination of factory-made and home-crafted articles (and you can get them for much cheaper than at some of these “specialty” stores online.)


No Shave November No Longer

“From the way I’m acting, you’d think I was pulling out my hair by the roots,” I told my sister Tuesday evening.

She only laughed.

Because, actually, that’s exactly what I was doing.

After a month of not shaving my legs, my hair was the requisite 1/4″ to 1/2″ long–and I was ready to wax.

I’ve waxed before, using Nair’s roll-on wax. But at six dollars or so per bottle and needing at LEAST two bottles (I’ve got very long, very hairy legs), Nair can get expensive quickly.

So this time, I decided to sugar instead. I made my own sugaring mix using 2 cups of sugar to 1/8 cup of water and 1/8 cup of lemon juice. I heat it all up on the stove until everything was dissolved and then let it cool down so it wouldn’t burn my skin.

The waxing process is simple, but time consuming. Spread the wax evenly on your skin, in the direction of hair growth, with a wooden popsicle stick. Press a strip of fabric over top the wax (I used ripped strips from an old sheet I got through Freecycle.) Then, grab hold of the strip and rip it off–this time in the direction OPPOSITE hair growth.

And try not to scream.

That’s the hard part.

Why do I do it? Why does anyone do it?

The disadvantages are many, the advantages few. But somehow, I do it anyway. It takes forever, it’s painful, often it leaves little micro-bruises all over. But the lure of being hairless for weeks is enough to keep me trying. And now that I’m making my own sugaring solution, it’s cheap too.

Pain is a small price when beauty’s the gain.

What are some of the most ridiculous sacrifices YOU’VE made in the pursuit of beauty?


Thankful Thursday: Cold Day Comforts

Today I’m thankful…

  • for an electric blanket that keeps me warm on Winter’s cold nights
  • for a new pair of fuzzy yoga pants for bedtime wear
  • for leg warmers to slip under my boots (why do shoemaker’s think that just because you’ve got big feet you’ll have huge calves? Oh well, I guess it’s to my advantage that I can fit my leg warmers on UNDER my boots rather than having to go over)
  • for a mug of hot chocolate in my hands
  • for a homemade Christmas station on Pandora radio to get me into the Christmas mood
  • for a schedule today that only requires one outing (to the library–got a coupla dozen books to return)
  • for hot leftover soup
  • that the Lord’s mercies are new every morning

Praise the LORD from the earth,
You great sea creatures and all the depths;
Fire and hail, snow and clouds;
Stormy wind, fulfilling His word;
Mountains and all hills;
Fruitful trees and all cedars;
Beasts and all cattle;
Creeping things and flying fowl;
Kings of the earth and all peoples;
Princes and all judges of the earth;
Both young men and maidens;
Old men and children.
Let them praise the name of the LORD,
For His name alone is exalted;
His glory is above the earth and heaven.

Psalm 148:7-13 (NKJV)


No Shave November

I don’t know how long the No Shave November thing has been going on. I first became aware of it five or so years ago when it seemed like all the guys at the University sprouted facial hair overnight.

According to the No Shave November site, there are several advantages of joining the phenomenon:

1. Be part of the “in” crowd by doing what all the cool kids are doing.
2. Real women like real men.
3. Save money on shaving cream, razors and other accoutrement.
4. Save time getting ready in the morning.

Nowhere in this site does it mention the advantages of no-shave November for WOMEN. The question is, can women still be a part of the “in” crowd if they fail to shave their legs? Do real men cringe at the thought of a “real woman” (legs au naturale)? Does not shaving save hassle or create it?

Naturally, I was curious to discover the answers to these questions. So I participated in my own form of No-Shave November by vowing off shaving my legs. I discovered that, as long as my legs are covered, no one knows whether I’ve shaved or not–and who bares their legs on a regular basis in November? Thanks to long skirts, slacks, and tights, I never experienced the ostracism that might otherwise have occurred due to my bristle. But trial runs of exposing part of my legs to friends and family revealed that few are fans of legs au naturale. My dad and brothers were most repulsed–although one brother chose to “play along” and compare leg hair with me.

As far as the hassle saved? Priceless. I saved at least ten minutes daily–leaving ten extra minutes available for reading. No Shave November was probably the one single factor most responsible for keeping me sane throughout the month of November.

Official decision? Not shaving (or shaving less often) is certainly a viable option for women during the winter months when they are unlikely to bare their legs. Doing so may save women time and money, without causing undue social ostracism. (Of course, I speak as an unmarried woman–married ladies might want to take their husband’s opinion into account ;-) ).

But, the best part of No Shave November is that I’ve grown my leg hair long enough that I can participate in that sadomasochistic act of female beautification: waxing. Tune in later for “No Shave November No Longer: on waxing.”


Head to head, Heart to heart

LCF’s ladies’ Sunday school is going through “Wising Up”–a Beth Moore study on Proverbs. In our last session, Beth talked about the difference between acquaintance and friend.

She said that maybe a lot of people we call friends are actually acquaintances–people we communicate with on a head to head level, but never on a heart to heart level.

Which got me thinking.

I’m a head person–I like to think, I like to discuss, I like to debate. I like ideas–and interacting with people about them.

While I have certainly coveted heart-to-heart relationships in the past, I find unrelenting heart-to-heart exhausting and unfulfilling. Give me a good head-to-head though… I rarely grow tired.

I’ve spent almost ten solid hours talking politics with a friend an acquaintance. I’ve spent hours talking medicine with others. Head to head is my forte.

The hard part is where there’s a kindred-ness of heart without a kindred-ness of mind.

Beth Moore spoke of friends as being people who you can be with without setting a “stage.” We “stage” our encounters with acquaintances by choosing to “do something” or “meet somewhere”. The stage is the movie, or the restaurant, or whatever.

But therein lies my difficulty with Moore’s system of classification. According to her, an acquaintance is someone you interact with on a head-to-head level in a staged environment, while a friend is someone you interact with on a heart-to-heart level in an unstaged environment. My experience is different. My experience has been that both head-to-head and heart-to-heart relationships require stages. It is only when head-to-head AND heart-to-heart relationships coexist that the relationship can be truly unstaged.

I have great friends (or perhaps it’s acquaintances). Either way, I truly enjoy the people I spend time around.

But I long for a connection that goes beyond the one-sided exchange I live in so often. Either we connect head to head or we connect heart to heart–and neither the twain shall meet.

I long for a dual connection–a friend that I can share my heart with, whose heart is shared with me, a friend that I can share my brain with, whose brain is shared with me. Someone I can dream with, someone I can discuss things with, someone I can do things with, someone I can do nothing with. This is the kind of friendship I desire.

Is it possible on this side of heaven? Is such a whole-person union to be found? I don’t know. But still I dream. I dream of giving my whole self to someone and receiving that someone’s whole self in return.

A romantic notion? Certainly. An impossible notion? I certainly hope not.