Snippets of E-mail messages from today

E-mail 1:

I was going to go in to fill out paperwork for doing laundry at Shands
hospital today, but they called back and said that the temp agency doesn’t actually do laundry and they need to run background checks on everybody–so it’ll be at least a week before they can start anyone. So I’m back to job search mode. Blah! And I already paid ten bucks to get a TB test done at a local clinic. What a bummer!

We had a “stick night” last night–which was basically just a time of
intense sharing, pouring out our hearts to one another. It was definitely amazing. I just can’t get over how God placed our group together in just the right way, so that we can all minister to one another and help each other through our struggles. God is totally awesome!

Email 2:

I found a job. Amazingly. I’ll be doing housekeeping at the Sawgrass
Marriot Resort. I think it should be pretty neat. If I understand right,
my wardrobe is a company issued black dress with a little white apron. I’ll feel like I’m wearing a costume the entire time. Our pay will be $8 per hour, which is fantastic as a starting wage for seasonal full time work. My orientation is at 3 pm. I’m borrowing Stacy Plouzek’s car right now and had my first experience with Jacksonville roads this morning going to apply and interview. The streets are definitely less scary when I’m in control of the vehicle. Riding with my team leader, Allie, can be somewhat, shall we say, harrowing.

We’re having problems with our AC–if the AC is turned to “cooler”
which tends to equal about 50 degrees, the room is frigid but fine. If
the AC is on anything more than “cooler” the room gets unbearably wet. Even at 65 degrees, the room was too humid to sleep in–our clothes and sheets were all wet. Yuck! But it doesn’t seem we have many options. Oh well.

Email 3:

My orientation was great! I had to sign about 50 different papers, but I managed to get it all done. Okay, but that’s not the truly exciting thing about the day. I settled down to a nap around 1:30 and was planning on about a half an hour. But then I got interrupted by first this and then that. Finally I fell asleep–only to be awakened from a now somewhat deep sleep to the sound of someone knocking on my door. It was Eric (who will be working at Sawgrass Marriott as well). He was wondering if we were going to leave for orientation soon. It was 2:40!!! And we had to be there at 3!!!! Yikes! Thankfully, we made it there on time.

Tonight we had a “rally.” Jerry Bridges was our speaker and he spoke
about how justification is by faith in Christ Jesus. He said something
kind of interesting. He said that after salvation, many Christians tend
to think that the rules have changed, that now we relate with God on the basis of our own performance. But that’s not true. Galatians 2:20 uses the present tense in reference to justification, saying “the life which I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God.” Although justification is a past event, it is also a present reality. When God looks at me, He sees me as holy.

That was particularly powerful because I think I have a tendency to think that justification means that God stuck a piece of paper in my file saying that I’m holy. And at the judgment seat of Christ, He’ll look at me and say, “My what an awful person you are. Let me check your file.” Then after He checks my file, He’ll be like “Oops. This says you have Christ’s righteousness.” But that’s not how it is at all. When God sees me, He doesn’t see my sin or my old sinful nature. He sees Christ. Period. That’s it. I am righteous in His eyes. The end.


Kernan Boulevard Baptist Church

Church was nice. We were at Kernan Blvd Baptist Church. The people seemed friendly, although somewhat old. I met a nice older couple named Gloria and Charles. They weren’t members of the church since they actually are just in Jacksonville for a while as Charles is awaiting a medical procedure. But they were quite nice. I got a hug from another older woman who seemed to be in her early seventies. She said she doesn’t believe in handshakes. I don’t think she gave me her name though.

Our group goes to church with Clint’s group–Bryce, Jared, and Patrick. They are the same group we had our date with on Friday night. It was kind of neat to spend a bit more time with them between the service and lunch afterward. One of the guys said that he shook the hand of the person next to him no less than 3 times. Wow! I was glad to have been sitting on the end, with only one person I knew beside me. That enabled me to get to know the people I didn’t know better. Hence meeting Gloria and Charles.

An interesting note about Kernan Boulevard Baptist Church is that their statement of faith proclaims that they “DO NOT BELIEVE THAT SPEAKING IN TONGUES IS SCRIPTURALLY ACCEPTABLE FOR OUR DAY AND DO NOT PRACTICE OR TEACH IT.” (Their emphasis.) I’ve seen a lot of churches and para-church organizations that “don’t talk about what they don’t talk about”, but I think this is the first time I’ve seen the fully ANTI position laid out in a statement of faith. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to stay a bit quiet to avoid getting kicked out! Just kidding. I’m sure they wouldn’t kick me out, but I don’t doubt they’d be praying hard for my salvation!

They have a orchestra concert for their Sunday night service tonight so Amy and I are going to check it out while Veronica attends mass. Perhaps some other week we can join her for mass–which is in English, you know, due to the decision of the second Vatican Council to affirm proclaiming the word in the vernacular.


More time in JAX

Our date on the beach…was amazing. We weren’t told anything except that we were to wear beach clothing, but when we arrived, all the guys were wearing fanny packs. (Yep, you heard me right. Fanny packs. Like, bum bags!) They had candy and water to share and some even had headlights for when it got dark.

So at this point, you’re thinking…what on earth were they doing out there? We were playing in the sand. Talk about having a blast! We created a ginormous sand octopus with tentacles that writhed under and over one another. His name of Oscar–Oscar the octopus. Beautiful! We were about halfway done when the rain started pouring. After it had slowed down, we bailed him out and completed him. We then took tons of pictures, none on my camera. Hopefully, I can find a way to get some from Clint.

After that, the guys went to the supermarket to get some ice cream while the girls changed. We ate our raspberry sherbet and vanilla ice cream with or without dark chocolate topping or Reese’s crackle topping in one of the lounges and hung out a bit. It was fun. (Almost forgot–one of the guys had some homemade oatmeal cookies. We ate those too.)

Today all the Shands hospital people went to get our TB tests and then on to Evangelism training. It rained for a solid hour when we were about to go out onto the beaches, so we didn’t get out there until two. Veronica and I walked at least a mile along the beach without meeting anyone we could talk to. Mostly, it was just guys who were out in the choppy weather and off/on rain. So today’s beach evangelism was less than amazing.

After beach evangelism, we girls dressed up real purty and went out with another girl team to Copeland’s Famous New Orleans Bar and Restaurant. I had the Jambalaya which was expensive but good. I’ll have the leftovers for lunch or dinner tomorrow. Now, I’m taking it easy, catching up on my weblog and planning to spend some time in the word this evening. Blessings!


First Days in JAX

I’ve been to the beach twice in as many days. And I have a feeling that our date tonight is at the beach as well. I wasn’t sure whether I’d like it or not. I’m not too sporty and definitely don’t need a tan. And I discovered that I’m still not sure if I like the beach or not, but I absolutely love the ocean. It’s so immense, so alive. And I am so small in relation to it. It gives me a sense of perspective. I could so easily be lost in that water–in the crashing waves, in the wind’s roar, in the birds’ call. Today a journaled as I sat at the beach: “It’s not hard to know the glory of the Lord in this place. I can see it in the waves, hear it as the sea calls out and the birds respond. The sea, the wind, the waves, movement on the sand, children laughing. And the sun’s silence reminds me that God speaks through the wind and the waves, the storms, and the loud; but sometimes He simply speaks through the quiet.” As the other girls lay sunbathing–reading or listening to music–I sat there and contemplated the words to the song “Still, I will be still.” Stillness is such an elusive thing for me. I am used to running and dancing and serving and staying busy. Stillness I do not know, nor does it know me. But today I took a glimpse at stillness in the midst of the ocean’s ceaseless busyness and I rested. And it was beautiful.

My team is wonderful. Allie is our team leader. She’s loud, she describes her driving as “aggressively good” (a euphemism for crazy), and she has an amazing testimony of God’s greatness. Amy is probably the quietest of us, but that doesn’t mean she sits back and lets everyone else do the talking. She’s always coming up with some way to direct our attention back to God. Yesterday, she directed our conversation towards how we can see God in the ocean, in the seashells, and in our everyday lives. Sandra (with the a as in “hat”) comes from Jacksonville and therefore knows the area quite well. She is probably the most flamboyant personality on our team. Veronica is from Kansas and her voice and mine are virtually indistinguishable when we’re both lying down. She reminds me a lot of myself except that I talk more. She’s more likely to draw people out and get them to talk about themselves than I am. All three of my team members and I share a room. We have two bunkbeds. All of them run. They’ve invited me to join them, but I don’t think I have the stamina to start off with their normal morning run. So, we’re going to figure out some sort of exercise rotation that includes a walk/run combo so that I can work my way up to joining them.

Friday night (tonight) is date night. Our team was asked on a date last night by a male team. They dropped a bottle on a fishing line from a railing while we we’re all standing on the bottom floor of the dorm. The message in the bottle said something to the effect of: “Girls are good, God is better.” The inside of the card read, “But you can’t ask God on a date. Please join us Friday night at 7 in the lobby. Wear beach attire.” We scrawled our answer back and let them reel the bottle back in. “We accept.” So tonight–we have a date.

We haven’t gotten into Bible study hardcore yet, although perhaps we should. Our first Bible study meeting is next Wednesday. Tomorrow is beach evangelism (so that’ll be my fourth time on the beach in three days–assuming the boys really are taking us to the beach.) And then on Sunday, we have church. We’ll be attending some sort of Southern Baptist church that’s a little ways away from where we’re staying. It should be interesting.


Items eaten in class today

Items eaten in class today:

  • One CapriSun juice packet
  • Small stack original Pringles
  • Small stack Lays take-off on Pringles
  • Small handful of Lays wavy potato chips
  • One “tattoo your tongue” fruit roll up
  • One chocolate covered peanut butter Kudos bar
  • Two “soft” chocolate chip cookies
  • One “hard” chocolate chip cookie
  • Two “soft” oatmeal raisin cookies

On days like these, I love Food Science. I just enjoyed enough junk food to last me all month–in one thirty minute class.


Emotions

There are moments in my life. Where I’m too spent to speak. There are times when I feel completely empty. Sometimes I bluff off the truth that haunts me. If I laugh, maybe no one can tell that I’m just a shell. I eat, hoping it will fill me, but it doesn’t. I am lethargic, slow. I don’t want to move. I want little more than to curl up in my bed with a book.

Why? Why am I so bound to my emotions? I thought I had reached a plateau in time to take the big plunge. I know I’m not fat, but some days I look in the mirror and I am. Some days I see through my face. Some days I feel so utterly unattractive that all I can do is pretend. And why? I know that’s not so. I know that people love me, God loves me. I know that I’m not overweight. I know that I’m not ugly. So why do I listen when my emotions tell me otherwise?

I’m a wimp and I know it, cocooning against the extremities. Did I pick the wrong major when I chose dietetics? After all, it makes me take biochemistry. No, then why is my favorite class this semester Shakespeare? Because I love to read, and I love English. Why didn’t I go with the English major I’d thought of earlier? Not practical. Why shouldn’t I give in to temptation now? Because the only reason I like Shakespeare is because it’s easy. If all I had to do was English, I would never have to push myself. I could pretend my way through life because I love it.

No pain, no gain, they used to say. That’s wrong and right. Everything’s so garbled. Unless I fatigue my muscle I’ll never grow. But I think my fatigue is the wrong kind. I have stress fractures from running too long, but no muscle built from the effort. Instead my flesh defends itself against the rigors of my life by developing callouses, drawing itself in and pushing all else outside. I’ve got too much pain so I curl in a ball and pretend it isn’t there.

I try to do the things I once did to relax. Nothing has any appeal. I start a book, and let it lie. I don’t care. Really. I want to get up and exercise–dance to some music in my room–but my body would rather not. And I don’t. I try to surf the web, to explore something. Nothing whets my appetite. I am starving for rest, but all I do is sleep. Hours upon hours upon hours of sleep. I’m so tired, but I cannot rest.

The only thing that gets me through is the promise of Romans 8:1-3. “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh.” In Christ, I do not walk in condemnation. My flesh and its death no longer hold sway over me. I am set free by the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus. I have only to learn to walk according to the Spirit.


Luckiest girl on earth

If I said I was the luckiest girl on earth, I wouldn’t be the first to say so. But that doesn’t change my general sense that I am indeed the luckiest girl on earth. And why might I be so lucky? What happy occasion heralds this joyous exclamation?

I began to realize it last night, when I told my family that it was official: Love Memorial Hall and AGN will be doing a bike-a-thon to raise money for Cedars Youth Services. We will be riding our bikes to the Missouri game on October 22. I mentioned that I should probably bring my bike back to the hall and start doing some serious riding before then. My mom told me that she’d gone out and gotten me a new inner tube for my bike as soon as she’d heard that I was possibly going to participate. My old tube was leaking around the stem and couldn’t be patched. My little brother Timothy put it on for me. But not only did he replace my inner tube, Timothy also prevented me from taking the bike back to the hall until he had adjusted the brakes so that they wouldn’t rub.

I’m the luckiest girl in the world because I have a family like no other. My sister offered to take me back to the hall in her new car, but took a bit of a circuitous route. First she dropped by Walmart to get me all of my little necessities–tissues, printer paper, deoderant. And not only that, she ran me by Wendy’s and got me a sandwich and a Frosty. What have I done to deserve my sister’s lavish gifts? Nothing. She works her butt off between going to school and her job as a Diet Tech, and I enjoy the fruits of her labours.

I’m the luckiest girl because for a seventh grade research paper, my dad brought me to UNL’s Love library. It was a research paper-why not go to a research library? He believed I could understand what I read and I was determined to prove him right. We wandered the stacks at midnight, searching for just the right book. We walked the stairs with crisp turns, pretending we were nerds without needing to pretend. In sixth grade, he got a book on HTML and wrote up an announcement to post on our family bulletin board. “Wanted: Web Designer. Must have at least a fifth grade education. Will train. Send resumes to…” I sent my resume in and got the job. We skipped, hand in hand, in the SAMS club parking lot on our way to get milk for the family.

I’m the luckiest girl because my mom spent five hours adjusting the bodice for a pattern I just couldn’t get to fit. It was supposed to be a simple pattern, the design of the dress would be a cinch to sew. I hadn’t counted on the adjustments–Mom patiently walked me through them. When I was in second grade, she read us The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. I loved it and always will. When my fish died and she found it before I did, she flushed it so I wouldn’t have to. And when my bike had a leaky inner tube, that I didn’t even know about, she bought me a new inner tube.

I’m the luckiest girl because my sister Anna, though I once thought she was my worst enemy, is my best friend. Out of the blue, she announced to me that she was paying my car’s registration–“After all, I think you might have paid mine last year.” She’s at home because she can’t afford the hall, so she buys me everything I need to be comfortable here. She came and cooked for me on my busy day–despite the fact that everyday is her busy day. She never lets me dwell on crushes. She protects me from my own mind. To paraphrase Colonel Fitzwilliam, she takes prodigiously good care of me.

I’m the luckiest girl because I caught my brother Joshua as we were crossing Cornhusker Highway on our bikes today–going the opposite direction. I waved and shouted, and he was a bit embarrassed. But he’s my brother and it’s okay. When he’s in the middle of a deep history conversation and I break in with a piddling contextual question, he patiently answers. He lets me read his stories, even though I’ve always been a hard critic. And he took on my dish job when I went away to college.

I’m the luckiest girl because I’m always trying to one up my brother Daniel at busyness. I go to school and do a thousand piddly things. He goes to high school and works almost thirty hours a week. But that doesn’t mean he’s too busy to drive me around while the gas prices continue to rise. He’s always trying to torque me off about women’s lib, but I know that he respects me as a woman and as his sister. He started to work out and dropped fifty pounds after he scared himself at 200 lbs. And he had the grace to let me come to the gym and spot for him–even though I’d never done it before. He let me buy him some jeans for Christmas last year–even when I insisted on them being European style. And he asks me for clothing advice. He actually thinks my opinion matters.

I’m the luckiest girl just because my brother John is alive and is my brother. Because he loves missions and is on our church’s mission team with me. Because he loves children and begged me to let him help out in the nursery–we work together so that he’s not a boy alone with them. He’s got more energy than anyone I know, and he never lets anything get him down. He loves people and he wants to do everything within his power to help them. He’s the only one of my siblings who doesn’t correct me when I sit down at the piano. And he actually begs me to cut his hair–even though I cut his ear the one time I tried.

I’m the luckiest girl in the world because I can talk to my brother Timothy about books. We started with Lemony Snicket, back when he hated to read. Now he’s begging me to read Eragon, because he thinks it’s the best thing in the world. We read Phantom of the Opera out loud together in three days. We discussed our melancholy over loving and hating Eric at the same time. Tim’s growing up and his voice is deepening, but he isn’t outgrowing his sister. He comes up to me at youth group and gives me a hug, tells me about his day. He’s gotten into fixing bikes recently, and wasn’t content until he’d gotten my seat to just the right height.

I’m the luckiest girl in the world because my little sister Grace spent the night with me on Saturday. She helped me prepare the Sunday school lesson, and tried to pick out what I wore. She asked my advice on the right kind of eyeshadow to get as her first makeup. She asked me if I thought Meg Cabot’s All-American Girl was appropriate for her. (It isn’t.) She asked me “What does eighties music sound like?” Grace sewed me a patchwork pillow that perfectly matches my decor, being careful that all the little people on the toile fabric pointed in the same direction. And she only glares at me but does no more when I call her Trixie for the thousandth time.

And that’s only my immediate family. I could go on for pages and pages about the rest as well. How my grandpa checked my antifreeze and gave me an extra jug before I came back down from their farm last spring break. How my grandma and my aunts and I always get into huge theological discussions every time we’re together. How my Aunt Martha-ma-ba took me for a drive and asked me why I was thinking about going into teaching. How my Aunt Lisa, new to the family, had my sister and me over for a week when we were eight or nine. How my Uncle Jim solemnly informed us not to drink the pickle juice out of the pickle jar until the pickles were all gone. How my Uncle Leo places coffee filters on the girls’ heads and suggests that we become Mennonite. How my Aunt Alice organized a family dance after we discovered that we enjoyed dancing together at my cousin’s wedding. Yes, I could go on forever, because I’m the luckiest girl in the world.


The Overwhelming Numbness of Completion

Have you ever felt the overwhelming numbness of completion? That’s what I felt yesterday. Packing my bag for the afternoon and evening’s tasks and realizing I don’t have anything to study for. I can’t go into the office now because there’s nothing there for me to do yet. I can’t run errands because I don’t have any to do. Everything is completed.

And it’s the most uncomfortable sensation I’ve ever experienced. Nothing to do. Nothing to avoid doing. I’m always either running to do or running away from doing something. This, this is something new. I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t understand leisure, only avoiding work. I don’t understand relaxation–only the collapse of exhaustion.

I’m a workaholic without a job, addicted to deadlines, to hurrying, to busyness. If I have a free moment, I fill it. If I’m crunched, I add just one more thing. My heart is thrilled with the challenge of twenty-nine things to do in twenty-four hours. My schedule doesn’t affect my to-do list. Heaven forbid I do less because I’m gone more. No, I must stay busy.

And so the dull ache of Elijah, mission accomplished, now sitting alone under the terebinth tree. Addicted to busyness, I’ve forgotten that the goal was completion. Now I’m done, and when I should be celebrating-I’m begging for another buzz.


Photos in the Paper

So I was in the newspaper today-on the front page. Okay, more precisely, my photo was on the front page of the Daily Nebraskan. But–before you run out an secure yourself a copy, be warned. It’s not a good picture.

You see, the photo was actually of one of my kitchen-mates flipping sticky rice. I had been standing in the kitchen talking to another kitchen-mate when they entered the room for a picture. So, I’m in the background of Taem’s sticky rice shot.

Adding to the “badness” of the photo was the fact that it was shot at a crazy angle. The photographer was standing on a windowsill trying to get a good shot of the rice in motion. Not only that, I was laughing because the photographer was asking Taem to flip the rice higher and higher and higher–and the rice was breaking up and flying all over the room. So the picture definitely shows some big teeth and squinty eyes-Lovely!

Note to the hall for next time we beg for an article–Figure out when the photographer’s coming so we don’t have to stage a sticky rice flipping with yesterday’s leftovers.


A Bit of a Nag

I have my doubts about the oft heard statement that “the Holy Spirit is a gentleman.” Instead, I rather think He’s a nag. LESTER retreat was marvelous–but a little bit redundant. It seems that God is into driving things home.

On March 6, I wrote on this website that God had been speaking to me about not being consumed with serving others. Instead, I should be focused on sitting at Christ’s feet. This Saturday, Mike Jordahl shared from Isaiah 52:13, which begins, “My servant…” Mike asked the question, Whose servant? God’s servant, of course. While being a servant of God will inevitably lead to serving men, the role of the Christian is not to please men. It is to serve God and walk in relationship with Him.

On August 27, I wrote of my desire for greatness and of what I want to accomplish with my story. Sunday morning Darin Durand spoke about greatness and the difference between earthly and spiritual greatness. In small groups, we discussed how difficult it is to die to selfish desires in the pursuit of greatness–the same thing I have struggled with over the past few months.

Then on Sunday night, Lauren Libby gave a teaching on leadership. One of his points stuck out to me particularly because it has been on my heart for a while now. He said, “The leader transforms strategy into action by empowering others.” This only confirms what God has been speaking to me about empowering others to do much of the work that I am currently doing within the church–allowing them to serve in an increased way and giving me more time to focus on what God is calling me to directly.

While the teaching was a highlight of the trip, it was by no means the only one. I enjoyed taking a dip in the “Punch bowls” in my pajamas. The water was colder than cold, but I didn’t feel cold until I’d been out of the water for fifteen minutes–then I was freezing. The hike up and back was beautiful. All around I was impressed by the greatness and majesty of God.

Another big highlight of the trip was developing relationships. In a way, I felt like I was talking with someone almost constantly ;-) From the gals in my room to the folks I had dinner with to those that I ended up spending time with during odd hours of the day, I was constantly surrounded by opportunities to fellowship and to grow in relationship. Of course, when talking about relationship building, you can’t discount the ride up and back. I can see that despite my rocky start, the maxim proves true: “God doesn’t make typos when He writes the story of our lives–even when we, like children, are sitting on His lap pounding on the keyboard.” Even though I didn’t pay attention to exactly which parking garage I was supposed to be at and wandered around–God worked all things together for good. It was this “mistake” that allowed me to get to know several people that quite possibly I would not otherwise have gotten to know. God is faithful to arrange all things according to His purposes.