My Beloved Daniel

This is the next installment in a rather long series about how Daniel and I met–and have become engaged. Click on the “Our Story” tag for context.

Not long after we’d officially decided we were dating, we started praying together during our daily conversations.

After we’d already begun, one of Daniel’s friends had cautioned against the intimacy praying together can create.

My mentor was thrilled to hear of Daniel’s leadership in prayer, and warned of how spiritual intimacy was, well, intimate.

We certainly found it to be intimate. We were opening our souls to God together, lifting up our desires, our requests, our hurts, and our praise. This was deep intimacy.

We weren’t about to stop.

Our prayers took different directions from day to day. Sometimes we prayed for the circumstances of our lives. Sometimes we prayed for the people in our lives. Sometimes we prayed for one another. Sometimes we each prayed for ourselves. Frequently, we thanked God for the gift of His Son. Almost as frequently, we thanked God for the gift of each other.

But one refrain found its way into almost every prayer.

“Lord, we want to be married someday–but if that’s not Your will, we don’t want it.”

“Lord, I love this man, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him–but if that’s not what You want, show us.”

“Lord, You know I love Rebekah and want to marry her–but I want Your will to be done.”

“Lord, if I don’t marry Daniel, I’ll be very, very sad–but I’d rather obey You than have him.”

It was our heart’s cry, our desire laid bare before the Lord. Both of us were prone to make marriage an idol, to worship our desire for a spouse above God. Both of us recognized the danger of idolizing one another.

We wanted each other–and we told God that–but we wanted God more.

Our desire was to be married–but we wanted above anything to honor God.

And so we prayed day after day.

I talked with Cathy, week after week, confessing how much I thought I was in love with Daniel, how much I wanted to be his wife, how he wanted me for his wife. I shared how I struggled to know whether this desire was holy or idolatrous. I wanted God more. As painful as it would be to not marry Daniel, that’s what I wanted if that’s what God wanted. Cathy and I prayed together, week after week.

And Daniel and I continued to pray during our daily conversations.

“Lord, we want to be married–but if you don’t want that, neither do we.”

We continued to pray it day after day until one day, when Daniel said the words that changed the tenor of our conversations.

I was wearing my red satiny pajamas laying across the white comforter of my hotel bed, chin propped on a pillow, Nexus tablet propped on a second pillow in front of me. The light above my head cast a ghastly pallor across my face, such that I winced whenever I saw the tiny box that was me in the corner of the screen. It wasn’t one of my best days.

Then Daniel said it: “Maybe we should stop talking about getting married.”

This is the next installment in a rather long series about how Daniel and I met–and have become engaged. Click on the “Our Story” tag for context.

We spent the next morning with Dave and Katie and their kids.

Well, mostly with their kids.

Daniel’s nephew took Daniel’s lap and his oldest niece (who had gotten over her shyness of me) took mine. E read to Daniel from his books–and P, not to be outdone, went to find some books of her own. P and I “read” her counting books a half a dozen times, counting up from one to twelve and back down again.

E moved on to a movie, his one allowed that week–but P still wanted to play. This time, she wanted both Uncle Daniel and his friend Rebekah to play with her. She handed us each a number of magnets and instructed us to place the magnets, one at a time on a magnetic board.

Daniel and I shared bemused glances as P directed the game of her own making.

“Now your turn.”

“Now your turn.”

“Now it’s my turn.”

“No, put that one on.”

“Now you put that one on.”

Eventually, P tired of her play and moved on to other things–taking pictures with her Mom’s cell phone. She got plenty of shots of the room at large, but eventually her attention turned to the two still sitting on the couch.

At length, we left for lunch. Daniel would take me from there to the airport.

As I transferred my luggage from my car to Daniel’s and rearranged this item and that inside my bags, Daniel asked if I had room for this.

This was his brand new tablet-a Galaxy Nexus 7.

“Because I want to Skype with you while you’re away,” he explained. “You can give it back to me next week when I come up to Columbus.”

I tucked it into my purse, a little embarrassed at the gesture (and a little unsure of what flying with not one, not two, not three but FOUR electronic devices would be like–I had both my cell phone, my Kindle, and my work laptop with me, in addition to the tablet.)

We went to lunch, and then to the airport. Daniel carried my luggage and waved goodbye.

And then I was off to Philadelphia.

This is the next installment in a rather long series about how Daniel and I met–and have become engaged. Click on the “Our Story” tag for context.

My professional conference was in Philadelphia the second week in October–and I knew I needed to attend in order to get those all-important CEUs.

Unfortunately, I’d been so busy, I waited until the last minute (maybe a month before?) to register and get my plane tickets. Once I got to searching for my tickets, I realized that I was in trouble.

The plane tickets out of Lincoln and/or Omaha were exorbitant.

I began to despair. How much was I willing to spend for this conference?

Before I plunked down my cash, I figured I’d check into the flights out of Kansas City–the nearest major-ish airport.

Good news. I could get tickets to Philadelphia several hundred dollars cheaper coming from Kansas City.

The thought crossed my mind that maybe I could see if Daniel would be willing to meet me in Kansas City before I left–but I wasn’t really sure if it would work. If we did that, I’d have to go early, stay the night at a hotel, and burn my cost savings.

I mentioned the idea to my sister, who had a solution right off. “Just call Katie and see if you can stay the night with them.” I was reticent. Yes, I’d known Daniel’s sister-in-law in high school–but we hadn’t really kept up since then–and it seemed wrong somehow, like I would be using her.

I recounted this to Daniel in one of our evening conversations–and ended up with an unexpected solution. “Well, then, I’ll just ask my brother if you can stay with them.”

The plans were made.

I would travel to KC, spend the day with Daniel, stay overnight with Daniel’s brother and his family, and fly out the next day.

And that’s what we did.

After introducing me to Daniel’s nephew and nieces (one of whom was more than a little shy about me at first), we took off for an afternoon and evening in KC. Daniel took me to the World War I museum. This time, it was my opportunity to be interested because of the company rather than the content, per se (not that there wasn’t some interesting stuff at the museum, because there definitely was.)

Up until the last minute, we still wondered if we might be able to make dinner for Daniel’s brother and his family–but Katie and the kids decided to go to a birthday party they’d been invited to but weren’t really sure about, so Daniel and I ended up going out.

That evening, we sat and talked with Dave and Katie. Katie and I caught up a bit; we all talked a little about life, mostly shooting the breeze. Katie shooed the boys upstairs to give me the dirt on the Garcia family (chief among it? that people will think you’re Hispanic).

Daniel had to be at his uncle’s by ten or risk not getting a bed, so we said an early-ish goodnight and Daniel left.

This is the next installment in a rather long series about how Daniel and I met–and have become engaged. Click on the “Our Story” tag for context.

When we left the Garcia’s, we traveled downtown, where a Nebraska football game had just ended. We parked a fair distance from where our reservations were and walked to the Haymarket.

Daniel stopped abruptly in the midst of our walking to ask me, “Am I walking too fast? My family always tells me that I walk too quickly.”

I laughed a bit and explained that my family always complains that I walk too quickly. They say they struggle to keep up with my pace.

As it was, Daniel and I were perfectly comfortable with each other’s pace.

We sat for a few minutes on a bench by the old train station, talking and just enjoying one another’s presence. Then we walked yet again to The Oven, where we enjoyed dinner on the patio, taking in the sights and sounds of post-gameday Lincoln.

I started to get chilly towards the end of dinner–so we took a detour back to the car, where Daniel got out his jacket for me.

I gladly wore it as we walked further, this time to a coffee shop where we sat and talked until the night grew late.

Daniel drove me home, gave me a hug at the door, and I returned his jacket.

As I drove back to Columbus, I received a text message: “Unexpected surprise: My jacket smells like you.”

Aww. Totally not fair.

This is the next installment in a rather long series about how Daniel and I met–and have become engaged. Click on the “Our Story” tag for context.

“The only bummer about this weekend,” I told my sister as we did some quick shopping the morning after I met Daniel in person, “is that I don’t get to see the Little Miss while I’m in town.”

Anna agreed that this was a bummer, and we continued on.

A few minutes later, she told me that I’d get to see the Little Miss after all. “I told Daniel that if he brought her by Mom and Dad’s house around 1:30, he’d get a chance to meet Daniel.”

Ah.

Yes.

Because introducing Daniel to the whole of my family was definitely my intent. (Not!)

Nevertheless, when Daniel knocked on the front door, a decent contingency were present. Mom and Dad, of course–but also Anna, Daniel, and the Little Miss (I feel like either Joshua or Grace were also there–but I could be wrong).

He knocked, I introduced him to Mom and Dad and the others. We sat down and had brief awkward conversation. Then we left.

For our first date, Daniel took me first to Lincoln’s quilt museum. We enjoyed perusing the quilts hand in hand, commenting on composition and construction. I spent way too much time explaining how quilts are made, what different designs are, and why certain quilts were more difficult to construct than others. Daniel listened patiently.

The last exhibit was a collection of signature quilts–and we had fun looking over the names penned or embroidered across the tops. We talked about family names, about women signing their names Mrs. Husband’s-first-name Last-name, about names we liked or didn’t like. We found someone with the first name “Happy” and Daniel decided that was a great name. I reminded myself throughout our conversation that I did not have permission to think about meshing our families names, about calling myself “Mrs. Daniel Garcia”, about the horror of having a child “Happy Garcia.”

As we left the museum, I apologized for my enthusiastic talkativeness. Daniel assured me that he enjoyed it–that he was interested in hearing about what I find interesting. I didn’t exactly believe him, but we were on to the next thing.

We got back in the car and Daniel drove me out to his parents’ house.

You see, a couple of weeks back, Daniel had mentioned that his parents would be traveling to see him in a little over a month’s time. He’d asked if maybe I wanted to drive down with them to Wichita.

I’d agreed and our second meeting was planned.

As the time drew nearer, Daniel’s mother thought it best that I meet them before the long car trip to Wichita–so Daniel and I took time during our date to meet his dad (Paula was out of town that weekend, so I could only meet Rick.)

Daniel and I sat on opposite ends of the couch, talking books with Rick and with Daniel’s younger sister. We had chanced upon a congenial topic and conversation generally moved smoothly–except that I kept wishing I were sitting just a little closer to Daniel, that he were holding my hand across the couch instead of holding his own in his lap.

This is the next installment in a rather long series about how Daniel and I met–and have become engaged. Click on the “Our Story” tag for context.

We’d arranged for our first date on Saturday, September 22.

I would go down to Lincoln and stay with my parents. Daniel would come up to Lincoln and stay with his parents.

Daniel would pick me up from my parents’ house and we’d go on our date.

A great plan, all told.

But as the time drew near, we ended up tweaking our plan a bit.

It was maybe the Wednesday or Thursday before our date when Daniel told me that he’d been thinking and had decided that it would be silly for us to SKYPE on Friday night when we’d already be in the same town. Maybe we should just meet for coffee that evening?

I happily agreed, since, by that time, I was starting to wonder how awkward it would be to meet Daniel in person for the first time in my parents’ presence–and to turn around and immediately introduce him to them.

The pre-date was set.

We met at The Mill in Lincoln’s Haymarket. I was just about to the door, and wondering whether he’d already be sitting down or if he’d be somewhere in the “front” of the store or… when I heard my name.

I turned to see Daniel, already my beloved, stand from where he’d been waiting outside.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

We stood and stared at each other a while (I think) before one of us said “This is so strange.”

It was. It was so different. So strange.

To be here, at last, face to face with the man I loved, the man I knew, the man who knew me so intimately.

We’d connected as minds first, as fellow believers, then emotionally. We’d come to be friends, confidantes, boyfriend and girlfriend-all without every having shaken one another’s hand or seen one another in person.

How does one interact in person with one they have never before met but have nonetheless known intimately?

It was all so strange.

And, yes, awkward.

Even though we knew no one was watching us, it felt like everyone had to be aware of the unusual nature of our relationship. Surely everyone had to know.

We chatted inconsequentially as Daniel sipped coffee and I a steamer (maybe?)

We tentatively tried to hold hands across the table. We concluded that this, too, was awkward.

“We’ll learn how to do this” we told each other. “I’m glad I get to learn it with you.”

We continued talking, conversation the same as normal except not at all the same as normal.

We paused frequently to marvel at how different everything was in person–and how the same.

Once our drinks were cold and our eyes drooping, we dropped off our cups in the bus tub and walked back to our cars.

We said goodnight, said goodbye. I got in my car and drove home.

My parents and sisters were still up, in the family room watching a movie.

“How was it?” they asked.

“Good,” I responded. “Awkward, but good.”

This is the next installment in a rather long series about how Daniel and I met–and have become engaged. Click on the “Our Story” tag for context.

It wasn’t until after we’d hung up that the doubts swarmed through my head.

Desperate for reassurance, I sent Daniel a text, saying nothing of my current turmoil, but thanking him for listening.

I carried my cell phone from Bunco table to Bunco table as I filled in for a missing player, waiting with increasing anxiety for the text that would ease my doubts, remind me of his love.

The text didn’t come. Daniel had his own activities that night, so I was left with my anxious thoughts.

I spent the evening putting a brave face over my inner struggle, smiling and nodding as my sister exulted in telling her coworkers and friends about my new beau.

Insecure. I felt insecure.

Not because I doubted Daniel’s love. Not even because I doubted that I loved him.

I felt insecure in my own ability to love.

That afternoon, I’d told Daniel about a couple of my past relationships, how I’d been heavily invested in each, how my mind had run on ahead of where the relationship actually was.

In the midst of the conversation, I was fine. I wanted Daniel to know me–my past and my present (and I wanted him to be my future.) I loved that we didn’t conceal anything from one another.

I wanted to share. It was right to share.

It’s just that now, recounting the conversation in my mind, I felt exposed.

How could I even think I could tell Daniel how I felt about him when my feelings had obviously led me astray before?

How did I know that I was not just a flighty thing, in love with being in love?

Now, when this wasn’t like the other times, when the love was mutual, how could I be sure that I wouldn’t let him down? How could I be sure that I actually could love him like I wanted to love him?

I wanted Daniel there beside me, wanted to share my current struggle with him, wanted his reassurance.

I wrote in my journal: “But he isn’t here and my heart is sick and I feel so insecure. Lord, I need You.”

In God’s mercy, Daniel was busy that night. He didn’t see my text until almost midnight.

Daniel not responding forced me into the arms of God–and I am so thankful.

God is my hiding place.

It’s a reality God has reiterated over and over again in the course of my relationship with Daniel.

So many times, I have wanted to run first to Daniel with my struggles, with my sorrows, with my sin. with my excitement. But in God’s great mercy, He has caused many of those things to happen when I couldn’t run directly to Daniel. I was forced to go first to God–and what a wonderful thing that is.

The truth is that Daniel can not bear my burdens. He cannot be my all in all. He cannot be my peace and my security.

I can take joy in Daniel’s love, but it is not his love that saves me. It is God’s love that rescues.

I am learning that once I have hidden myself in God, my sharing with Daniel is so much sweeter, so much greater.

I still share my heart with Daniel-my sorrows, my struggles, my sin–but it is no longer to dump them on him, expecting him to solve things he cannot solve, expecting him to bear burdens he cannot bear. Instead, I share them so that we, together, can cast our shared burdens on the Lord. I share them so that we, together, can go to the throne of grace.

I share them so that we can hide together in Christ.

(By the way, in another testament to the goodness of God–when I have circumvented this and run to Daniel first? Daniel has led me to the perfect place–right back to the throne of grace, right back to the Lover of my Soul. I am so blessed to have a man who loves for me to be hidden in Christ.)

This is the next installment in a rather long series about how Daniel and I met–and have become engaged. Click on the “Our Story” tag for context.

It seems I had managed to render my dad speechless twice in the same night. First, when he had wondered if Daniel had already proposed-and now when I told him that, while Daniel had not yet proposed, he had told me he wanted to  marry me.

When Dad recovered his power of speech, he advised me to get to know Daniel’s parents. After all, he said, it is from his parents that Daniel likely gets his idea of what a marriage looks like. It would behoove me to spend time with his family.

I recounted this story to Daniel later that week (yes, I told him everything-no coyness for this girl.)

After hearing my lively tale, Daniel said he might as well tell me what he was thinking of for a timeline.

“I’ve thought maybe we could spend time with each others’ families over the holidays…and then I’d propose in January or February and we’d get married sometime next summer.”

He paused a bit at this point. “You want a big church wedding, I’m guessing?”

“I’ve heard that those take at least six months to plan, so…”

He explained that a summer wedding makes the most sense to him, since his MBA work means he can’t just take off for a honeymoon in the middle of the school year.

He confessed that this timeline was already making him stressed. He felt maybe he was rushing things to be thinking of next summer–but he’d rather not have to wait all the way until summer of 2014.

I tried to reassure him, encouraged him not to stress about the timeline, not to feel rushed. People have gotten married during school for years. I told him we’d find a way to make it work if that’s the way it turned out.

I confessed to God in my journal:

“I love it. I love him. I love the way You’ve made him. And if things go according to his plan, I will rejoice. And if things work differently and we end up having to take just a weekend honeymoon or whatever, I will rejoice, because there will be a lifetime for knowing and loving him. And if we do not marry, I shall be grieved, but I will rejoice in God’s severe mercy in leading us elsewhere.”

I loved him-and very much wanted to marry him-but I did not want to make him an idol. I wanted God’s will even more than I wanted him, so even as I delighted in our continuing closeness, I was conscious to open my hand and offer him back to the Lord.

Whether we’d be married summer of 2013 or sometime in 2014 or not at all, I wanted God’s will to be done.