Thankful Thursday

Sometimes I struggle to find something to be thankful for and find only one source of hope and joy amidst the trials of life. Sometimes I can only be thankful that God is unmovable, omniscient, omnipotent within what seems like darkness.

And then there are days like these when the clouds roll back, and while the storm isn’t over, I see the world about me illumined. On these days, I have much to be thankful for–all springing out of that same thing. My God is the giver of good gifts–even the trials are good. But some days I can see in addition to believing. Today is one of those days. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to see through the eyes of faith today.

Today I’m thankful…

…for a well-stocked fridge (and the beginnings of an appetite to eat it–I ate three whole meals plus a smoothie from McDonald’s yesterday, mostly without having to force myself.)

…for the brothers who mercilessly tease me–and who care about what’s going on in my life

…for an early night with no tossing and turning

…for an easy awakening after a restful night of sleep

…for pantyhose that didn’t run and a suit jacket that lay flat

…for a good interview with no questions that stumped me (except the one about how much teaching experience I’ve had at church–I don’t know, 10 years, maybe?)

…for a chance to see some of the gals from my internship (I briefly interned at the office I interviewed in–and one of the women on the search committee was a fellow intern and current Ph.D. student at the university.)

…for a delightful hour and a half of yard work with Erin. She always encourages me so much–and it felt great to get my body moving (even if the sun was a bit warm!)

…for the joy I see in my friend’s eye as she recounts knowing that God has her and her husband exactly where He wants them–even if that means they have no idea what the next step is

…for Jonah’s request for “Rebekah to come inside the house and play with us.” Even if I didn’t end up going inside to play with them, it’s nice to be loved by children.

…for extra quarters for my meter thanks to my father

…for another good meal and conversation on our weekly Daddy-Daughter date

…for the ambitious personality God has given me, though it occasionally leads to disappointments, it also allows me to accomplish much

…for air conditioning in my car

…for a soft chair at the library and the luxury of enjoying it

…for getting the wedding pictures I took all processed and up today (Check ’em out: Preparation and Dressing, Prewedding Photos, Ceremony, Receiving Line and Getaway, Reception, Dance. )

…for an unexpected phone call and two delightful kids to stay the day with me on Monday. (This might necessitate another visit to the library–and possibly to my folks’ house for some toys. Not that Abigail and Joseph aren’t capable of entertaining themselves–but I do want my home to be at least mostly in one piece once the day is out!)

For this and so much more, O Lord, I give you thanks!

Here in this uncertain season, when I have little but thesis to keep me busy and no idea what lies beyond my master’s degree, I am thankful.

Today I’m thankful…

…for my big sister’s reminding me that when this is all over and my story has been told, I will look back and be able to say that not only was God’s plan for my life good–it was the best

…for my brother and sister-in-law for giving me a three step plan :-) for resolving the ambiguity of my future (Hah!)

…for my dad for affirming my type-A, want-to-plan-everything-in-advance nature, while at the same time reminding me to trust God and let Him work His plan in the little day-to-day details that currently have me going stir-crazy

…for a dear friend and sister who reminded me on Sunday that God holds my heart in His hands–and that He cares for my heart far more than I ever could

…for an assurance that amidst the storms and uncertainties of life, when I can’t see beyond the clouds and rain, my anchor holds.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Last night, I watched Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest with my sister-in-law. It reminded me how thankful I am that my life’s course is not determined by the capriciousness of my heart’s desires (or of others’ heart’s desires), but by the sovereign design of a loving God.

Today I’m thankful…

…that unlike Jack Sparrow’s compass, my compass does not change directions according to my heart’s whim.

…that I can always find true north in the cross of Christ: the finished work of God on my behalf.

… that “a man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

…that God “know[s] the thoughts that [He] think[s] toward me…thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give [me] a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

…that “My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” (Psalm 73:26)

I am thankful that my story is not authorless, subject to the whims of fate.
I am thankful that my story is not authored by man, subject to his favor or displeasure.
I am thankful that my story is not authored by myself, subject to my heart’s wild gyrations.
I am thankful that my story is authored by God, subject to His eternal, unchangeable, holy, and good will.

Today I’m thankful…

…for an unexpectedly quick pool set up and the pleasure of spending some time with my sister yesterday.

…for the unexpected productivity of today’s thesis work. I felt like I was just FLYING through the articles I was reading–quite different from the slogging I had been doing.

…for the unexpected opportunity to see some old co-workers at lunch today. I had nice little chats with Jeff and Janet and was able to say hello to quite a few more.

…for an unexpected Kudos from one of my dad’s coworkers on the successful wedding

…for an unexpected chance to spend time with a former friend I haven’t seen for a while. We roomed together during my senior year of high school, but she moved to KC for college–and I stayed in Lincoln. Now she and her husband and baby daughter are back in Omaha and I get to help them paint tomorrow! Yahoo!

I’m thankful for having my one of my favorite roles in the wedding of some of my favorite people.

I’m my future-sister-in-law’s “personal attendant”–aka, last-minute-detail person. And I absolutely love it. My week has been filled with the detail stuff I adore (and it doesn’t hurt that I’m doing it for the girl I’ve had the privilege of walking alongside in the faith for the past eight or so years–and the brother I’ve liked for almost as long :-P)

Today I’m thankful for…

….Sunday’s terrific dance party arranged to help my brothers learn some dance skills before the big day

…that my brothers humored me with lots of mildly embarrassing photos of themselves with the bride-to-be–

–the groom-to-be–

–and even with their father.

…for being able to visit with Joanna while I altered the flower girl’s dress and she sewed a label on the quilt we made together for the couple. (The photo shows the finished alteration–I removed a zipper and added the laced backing so the bodice would fit the flower girl who’d outgrown it.)

…for another week of stimulating book discussion with the group I joined on a whim last week.

…for a collection of great photos and video to use in preparing a slide show to embarrass the happy couple at the rehearsal dinner. (Thanks to everyone who donated pictures either directly, or vicariously through Facebook–special thanks to MARY!)

…for an interlude from wedding work to attempt to finish Are Miraculous Gifts for Today?: Four Views (I ended up finishing only about two-thirds before my brain fried and I had to return it and get my shopping done–but the process was mentally stimulating.)

…for an early-morning Walmart run (2 am) and the fellow who let me go in front of him in line. (Must assemble that “every-eventuality” pre-wedding kit.)

…for an easy awakening at 7:30 despite the prior night’s late night of miracle-reading and Walmart-running

…for a clean house that I somehow managed to conjure despite the busyness of the week (Ah, I love how a clean house puts my mind at ease.)

…for a productive discussion in our ladies fellowship discussing Joshua Harris’s Dug Down Deep. (As a result, I think my mom has now joined my dad in thinking that I’ve turned Calvinist.)

…for an effective, if not quite efficient, church set up and decorating day.

…for a lesson on how girls should hit guys…and how they should not. (This impromptu session was quite informative. Anyone who knows my brother Tim should ask for a run-down. The basic premise is that girls should be VERY cautious when hitting guys because guys can’t hit back. And they can’t exactly politely ask a girl to stop hitting them just because it, well, hurts. So hit rarely–and when you do, hit at the fleshy part of the shoulder where the risk of “hurt” is low.)

…for plans for more wedding mania in the next two days (Today: set up and decorate reception hall, attend rehearsal, attend rehearsal dinner, present couple with quilt, unveil embarrassing slide show, pool party at hotel. Tomorrow: purchase and arrange extra flowers, “cater” lunch to attendants and the like, dress Debbie, family and bridal party photos, hand off car decorating supplies, wedding, reception, clean up after reception. Saturday: clean up church.)

And in the end? I’ll be officially related to one of my favorite families in the world! I can’t say how much I have been blessed by friendship with the Brunks over the years–discipling Debbie and then Joanna through high school, praying on Sunday afternoons at their house, theological discussions with HJ and Kris over dinner, discussing A Tale of Two Cities with John, quilting and reading with Joanna, ribbing Debbie endlessly about my brother. God has been good to us in bringing the Brunks into our family.

Today I’m thankful…

…for the sister-in-law my brother will bring into the family in just over a week (I enjoyed going out with her to the reception place last night to figure out our decorating plan!)

…for the outlaws the self-same event will bring into the family (It’s been fun making candles with John and Joanna…and Kayla and Nellie and Tim)

…for the sisters who are currently enjoying themselves together far away from me :-( (In truth, I’m glad Anna and Grace are having a chance to hang out together for this week or so between school getting out and the wedding.)

…for the brothers who let me set the pace on my bicycle, who offer me a “complimentary” water cup at McDonalds, who tell me their ridiculously misogynist stories about falling in Love, and who give me rides in their cars.

…for the Mama who lets me quote my memory verses to her as she irons the hem on a dress, who hears my blather and prays for me.

…for the Papa who puts up with my incessant linking and comments back on this issue or the other.

…for the God who has adopted me into His family, making me a child of God and joint heir with Christ (Rom 8:14-17)… and who has given me this family, bonded by blood and faith.

I am blessed beyond measure.

Today I’m thankful…

…for a lovely bike ride, just me a God. We chatted, I surrendered, He granted peace.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything through prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”
~Philippians 4:6-7

…for a nice break at a playground from my childhood. I fondly remember swinging on the swings, walking along the railroad-tie retaining wall, and hopping on my bike for the return trip across the railroad tracks.

…for an “accidental” run in with friends. I dropped by my folks house on my way home from my ride to say “Hi” to my little sister. She had Kayla and Joanna over and invited me to watch a movie with them.

…for a sweet chick flick. Thanks to the long conversation with God on my bike ride, I was able to make it through a chick flick, not once but twice. I haven’t been able to do that (that is, watch a chick flick all the way through) for months.

…for my brother cooking for us. I’d already eaten dinner, but when Timothy offered to prepare Mac’n’Cheese for the girls, I wouldn’t refuse. He served us lemon and strawberry sherbet (bought with his own money) to go along with it.

…for a friend who listens. I’ve been so blessed to have Joanna as a friend. Last night, she listened (yet again) as I shared my laden heart.

Today I’m thankful for God, who brings His word to my remembrance, and who faithfully pursues me, even when I run to another.

A little less than a week ago, I wrote of my silent cry–the ache, the request within my soul that I can’t articulate. I was working on a sewing project with a lump (size large) in my throat and tears bottled inside, refusing to overflow. I worked for an hour, maybe more, with no thought in my head except that one inarticulate cry.

Then one verse popped into my head–a verse I had memorized many long years ago (in a different translation than I currently use). “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.”

The verse rolled over and over in my mind, combining with the cry. I continued on with my work, moving seamlessly (ha-ha!) from sewing to organizing.

Then another thought arose and sought prominence. “You should check out the context of that.”

“Okay,” I thought. “I’ll check it once I’m done folding this laundry.”

“No, I think you should check it out now.”

Reluctantly, I put down my work. I’ve taken such comfort in my work, staying busy as a means of enjoyment–yes–but also as a means of avoidance. As long as I was working, I didn’t have to process that cry. The pain I was experiencing couldn’t cripple me unless I stopped. But I feared that if I were to stop, I’d never be able to start again.

But now, I needed to stop, needed to put aside my laundry and look up that verse.

“Woe to the rebellious children,” says the Lord,
“Who take counsel, but not of Me,
And who devise plans, but not of My Spirit,
That they may add sin to sin;
Who walk to go down to Egypt,
And have not asked My advice,
To strengthen themselves in the strength of Pharoah,
And to trust in the shadow of Egypt!”
Isaiah 30:1-2

In light of my recent struggles, I’d devised my plans. I’d figured out how I was going to get through them. I was going to keep busy. I was going to distract myself. I was going to push through despite my lack of heart.

I took counsel, of a sort. Mostly, I explained what I’d decided in such a compelling way that none of my counselors could dare disagree. And when they did, when they started using the subtle phraseology of redirection, I ignored them.

I placed my trust in my chosen plan. It would work. It would have to work.

Still I added sin to sin. I was NOT placing my trust in God. I was worried (Matt 6:23-34). I was anxious (Phil 4:6-7).

And my plan produced no results. They exhausted me, they ravaged my emotions, they left me in despair.

And then God, in His wisdom, brought the memorized Scripture, Isaiah 30:15 into my mind.

“For thus says the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel:
‘In returning and rest you shall be saved;
In quietness and confidence shall be your strength.’
But you would not.”

God offered an answer. Not the Egypts I had been trusting in. Not the busyness I had clung to. He offered Himself.

“Return to Me,” He said. “Rest in Me.”
“Quiet your soul. Take confidence in Me.”

The Israelites Isaiah spoke to would not.

But I will.

I will turn aside from the Egypt that my flesh so desperately wants to run to.

I will uncurl my hand from the things I so desperately want to cling to.

I will silence my soul. I will rest in Him.

I will take confidence in this: “that He who has begun a good work in [me] will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”

“For thus says the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel:
‘In returning and rest you shall be saved;
In quietness and confidence shall be your strength.'”

Today I’m thankful that I don’t hafta finish my to-do list

I’m thankful…

…that when my plans to finish my dress are derailed by the realization that I need to whip up another baby quilt–STAT–it’s okay to leave the dress for another day

…that when I discover that the person I was hoping to get into contact with is out of town on vacation, it’s okay to leave the call until next week

…that when my heart is too full of prayer requests and I end up praying while vacuuming instead of listening to an audiobook, it’s okay to finish the audiobook some other time

…that when I wake up to rain that precludes any possibility of a bike ride, it’s okay to skip another day (I’ve only recently gotten back on my bike after the disastrously busy final few weeks of school.)

…that when I forget to ask about when that human trafficking talk is and learn only after I’ve already arranged to do something else, it’s okay to not go

I’m thankful that my to-do list is a tool for me to use, not a taskmaster to use me.

I’m also thankful…

…that I was able to get some quality work done on my thesis

…that I was able to dust and vacuum the living room (including getting all of those infernal Japanese beetles from the corners–I’ve been lazy and not been getting out the hose to take care of them. But now, they are gone!)

…that I was able to whip together a quilt top (and even discovered that I had some fabric that I can use for backing–so I didn’t have to purchase more!)

…that I was able to spend some quality time with my dad and my brother this evening

I’m thankful that my worth is not based on what I do or do not do, but that God in His mercy allows me such a rich and full life.