When I learned at age fourteen that homebirths were officially illegal in Nebraska (or, at least, that it was illegal for midwives to attend homebirths), I struck midwife from my list of potential careers. I started almost immediately to look for alternatives and was delighted at seventeen to learn of this thing called a doula – a woman who helps women during labor. I looked up all the requirements for being certified with DONA (the doulas of North America) and contemplated becoming a doula many a time.
But when I got pregnant, hiring a doula was the last thing on my mind – it didn’t even cross my mind.
When our midwife and her student midwife mentioned the value of doula care at our meet and greet, I blew it off and wouldn’t have thought about it again except that my husband asked me later if we shouldn’t include doula fees in our pregnancy budget.
I don’t think I need one of those, I told him. Diedre and Cynthia will be there and you’ll be there.
But Diedre sounded like she really encourages women to have doulas, he replied. I promised him I’d think about it. I checked The Doula Advantage by Rachel Gurevich out of the library to help me think through doula care.
What I read did little to convince me. It seemed to me like the biggest advantage of doula care is having someone in between you and the medical staff, someone who can help you ask questions and make informed decisions, someone who is going to know your hopes for the birth and help you have the birth experience you want. That’s all great and I think it’s probably vital if you’re giving birth in a hospital (where protocols are king and the chances that your caregivers know your wishes are slim) – but I’m going to be giving birth at home, with a midwife I’ve been visiting with for my entire pregnancy. I don’t need someone else there.
Then, I started reading birth stories and my sensitive first-trimester belly churned. It wasn’t the birth stories themselves that made me sick to my stomach – few can match my excitement over dilation and amniotic fluid and crowning and women who press through back labor. I love me some birth stories – and have since I discovered my parents’ copy of Special Delivery (a 1970s homebirth manual complete with the birth story and photos of the author’s daughter Mariposa) some fifteen (or more) years ago. No, what was making me sick to my stomach was all the people in these stories. There were doctors and nurses and husbands and doulas and best friends and children, oh my! All I could think was “make all these people leave!”
Diedre asked me at our meet and greet if I’d consider an unassisted homebirth – and I told her no without reservation. (EDIT: On rereading, I realize this requires clarification. My midwife was NOT suggesting that I have an unassisted homebirth; instead, she was trying to clarify what I meant when I spoke of my philosophy that childbirth is a natural process and that intervention is usually unnecessary.) I want to have someone present at my delivery who has experience with birthing women and who can share the wisdom of birthing with me. I want someone there who knows what constitutes an emergency and what to do in an emergency. I want a midwife there.
But that’s not to say that I really even want the midwife intruding much. Really, I just want to give birth on my own terms. I want as much privacy as possible to labor my way – and to cling to my husband as we labor our way. I don’t want an audience. (I may not be the most private person, but I am a very independent one – and having a whole lot of people around during delivery is not my idea of fun.)
Having read The Doula Advantage, I was pretty sure I don’t want a doula. That said, I promised Daniel that I’d discuss it in greater depth with Diedre and Cynthia.
I did and was greatly relieved when Diedre informed me that, while a doula is generally beneficial for most women, I should go with my gut here. (She did, of course, clarify that she and Cynthia may NOT be able to provide doula-like coaching care for the entirety of my delivery – because they need to focus on providing midwife care. And that’s just fine with me!)
Did you have a doula when you delivered? Did you prefer to labor in private or did you want lots of people around? Wanna share your birth story? I’d love to hear it (and I promise I’m getting that gag reflex under control.)