Jared Wilson’s post about relationships arrested me:
“I’m sure there’s a few people who really do only want someone who loves Jesus and will compromise on the rest. But the reason why the vast majority of the people who say this are lying liars is because I’ve watched these same young people date nonChristians, get into unhealthy sexual relationships, basically live like God ain’t watching, and/or ignore the young people in their relational spheres who actually love Jesus.
In fact, I notice that the young men and women who do just love Jesus tend to stay single quite a while. “
Why is this? Why do young men and women who do “just love Jesus” tend to stay single for so long?
Why doesn’t anybody seem to see what I see in so many of my wonderful single Christian girl friends?
Why do so many great, godly women get passed over in the dating/marriage field?
A semi-related article I also read this week talked about another dilemma in the Christian romance scene:
“TKC student Catherine Ratcliffe says I Kissed Dating Goodbye shows well that “sexual purity is important,” but it also led many of her classmates to “think we should never hang out unless we want to marry. In the 1990s, casual dating was the culprit. [Now] Christian couples will rush into relationships, saying, ‘we intend to marry,’ because they think they are not allowed to date unless they intend to marry.”
Pressure, pressure, pressure. Ratcliffe says, “If girls do get asked out they think, ‘We have to make this work. I might not get asked out for another 10 years.'” The “if” is big: Christian student after student in four states generalized to me: “Women don’t get asked out.”…”
I think this assessment is pretty accurate.
While I certainly am not all for casual dating (with casual intimacy assumed), I think one can go too far in the opposite direction. In fact, I think many have gone too far in the opposite direction by thinking they shouldn’t date anyone unless they already know they’re going to marry that someone.
These things frustrate me for personal reasons, yes, but my frustration is not just for me. I get frustrated when I see so many wonderful godly young women (I say young women because that’s my sphere, not that this doesn’t happen to men) marginalized when it comes to dating and marriage.
But I am so very glad that God does not marginalize the single person.
“Neither marriage nor children is a fundamental marker of being blessed of God in the new covenant, as all spiritual blessings come through Christ (Eph 1:3). Nor are marriage and procreation necessary to maintain one’s covenantal inheritance, for those in Christ have an imperishable inheritance in heaven….
…One’s singleness can be a powerful testimony to the sufficiency of Christ for all things…”
~Barry Danylak, Redeeming Singleness
Don’t forget to take a look at Barbara H’s meme “The Week in Words”, where bloggers collect quotes they’ve read throughout the week.
What a well-written, balanced post. I have two daughters and feel like I’m constantly walking a tight-rope between not going to casual dating route, but not going to place where – as you say – if they date, they’re going to feel obliged to marry that person. It’s too serious a decision to make to be pressured into. Well done for writing this so well x
I read lots of courtship books when my girls were young, and had all intentions of practicing it. But when my oldest went off to college, that plan fell apart. I’m still glad we prepared that way though; I think the underlying threads held tight enough to do some good.
You ask good questions; I have no good answers…so I sympathize with your frustration.
I read I Kissed Dating Good-bye when my older boys were getting to be in their mid teens or so. I agreed about casual intimacy being wrong, and I agreed that the date/serious relationship/breakup cycle over and over again wasn’t good training for marriage (or emotionally healthy). But I didn’t buy into the whole package — sometimes a date is just a way to get to know one another to see if there is any interest in getting to know one another better. But I was amazed at the parents who felt it was a compromise of convictions to let their kids date. We urged our guys in high school to “date” in groups — a whole gang would go get ice cream or something, not necessarily paired off. But at a Christian college it is a little safer to let your kids date — they can talk alone with someone but they’re not alone enough to get into trouble. I imagine that gets a little more complicated outside that zone.
It is a difficult balance. I don’t know why some great girls aren’t being seen for the treasure they are. Are there not enough Christian guys to go around? At our previous church there were several single girls but the only single guys out of college were older widowers. At our current church there are several single guys but not as many girls.
I know it is easy to say it all goes back to trusting God for the right one, but hard to do sometimes.
I’m against casual intimacy at all ages, and I see no point in exclusive dating in high school. I think dating should be reserved for the time of life when you are free to carry it to its conclusion — marriage. Till then, there’s no point.
But no “casual” dating? It has to start casually. Good grief. You have to get to know each other.
My husband and I knew each other our whole lives and didn’t start spending time together till he was 28 and I was 30. Then we took a year to be “casual,” followed by a year of dating — so I guess it was pretty intentional by then. :-)
What a great post and awesome promise and point to make. God doesn’t overlook singles – even when it feels like “the good girls” ARE being overlooked. (I suffer from this frustration as well – seeing many friends, like yourself, waiting to see who or what God has planned for them.)
I was/am definitely against casual dating for the sake of dating. I went on one “date” (it probably was a date but I still cringe to think of it as such) because I was bored and lonely and said that I would go out to dinner. Guilt plagued me the whole entire time. It was terrible. I knew I wasn’t interested in him and I knew I was only going out to dinner (See? Still can’t bring myself to say the “d” word!) because I was bored. It was for all the wrong reasons.
I’m NOT against dating if you think there is an actual chance at a relationship and you need to spend some time together to figure out whether or not that is the case. Maybe I’d call it intentional dating. No need to spend weeks and months with someone if you can tell right away it’s not going to work. Still, sometimes you can’t tell in the first five minutes either! (And then again, sometimes you can! ;)