Learning to sit still

To look at my blog, you’d think I go from bedrest to vacations and back…

…but I know you understand how life with a newborn can be, even if I don’t blog the nasty little details (We cloth diaper. ‘Nuff said.)

To tell the truth, I didn’t realize having a newborn would be this difficult.

I knew there wouldn’t be much sleep, that the baby would cry, that there’d be nasty messes to clean up. That part I expected – and I think I’ve coped with it relatively well.

The part I didn’t plan on was how hard it’d be to get anything done.

I expected to be able to at least keep up with the house, maybe start blogging regularly again, do a few craft projects here and there. But my time is fractured, breastfeeding takes more time than I anticipated and there are times Tirzah Mae will not be content anywhere except on me (and not in a sling, either.)

There was a week (okay, maybe a month) there where I cried every evening around 6, frustrated at how little I’d gotten done. Then I started keeping a list. Every day I keep a running tally of what I’ve done – diapers changed, breastfeeding sessions completed, laundry washed and put away, meals made, chapters read. It and my husband’s encouragement (I think he thinks I get even more done than I actually do, but don’t tell him – it’s kinda nice that he thinks I’m superwoman) has mostly alleviated the six pm crying jag.

But now there’s the one o’clock blues.

I’ve learned to not be on too strict a schedule in the mornings, to let it be okay if I’m just emerging from my bath around eleven. I’ve mostly come to a peace about that – sneaking in productivity here and there. But, inevitably, I will sit down with lunch and start thinking through what I’ve still got to accomplish with the day (most notably, dinner) – and then the one o’clock blues will hit.

Tirzah Mae is absolutely unpredictable in most respects – she has no predictable sleep or wake cycles, feeding schedule, or even preferred activities. One moment she’ll love a certain activity and calm down right away, another day she’ll act like it’s torture. We’ll think we’ve figured something out because she slept for three hours in her own bassinet – but the next day we’ll be unable to replicate it. The only consistent pattern I’ve figured out so far is that Tirzah Mae WILL get fussy at one pm.

And NOTHING will satisfy her unless she is laying across my chest with me being absolutely still.

Can mama read a book? Maybe. Once Tirzah Mae is asleep, as long as mom doesn’t move.

Can mama write a blog post? Probably not. That generally implies that mama is sitting up, usually a no-no for Tirzah Mae at one o’clock.

Can mama plan a menu, make a grocery list, fold laundry, or do Bible study?

Take a wild guess.

But here I do her an injustice. I usually can do something – it’s just that I have no idea what it’ll be until I’ve tried and failed at several. Which means that I can’t plan ahead that at one I’ll do [blank].

I can’t plan ahead to be productive during that time. I just have to acknowledge that it’s no-man’s time. I have to set it apart as rest time. And if I get something done? That’s a special unexpected bonus.

I haven’t learned it yet – how to be okay with just sitting still. But I’ve acknowledged that I need to learn it – that’s a step in the right direction, right?