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Categories Love Month

It’s hard to stop a train

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Scripturally, there can be no doubt–sex outside of marriage is sin.

“For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies. These are the things which defile a man…”
Matthew 15:19-20

“Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness…”
Galatians 5:19

“Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.”
Colossians 3:5

“You shall not commit adultery.”
Exodus 20:14

Most Christians (at least those who believe that the Bible is the inspired Word of God) agree that premarital sex is wrong.

The difficulty comes in when we ask what that means. People start talking “technical virginity” and asking whether this is okay or that is okay.

They’re committed to not having sex before marriage, but they want to know how far is too far.

Helpful Christians give their opinions on where the lines should be drawn. “Keep your clothes on,” one person counsels. Joshua Harris famously decided not to kiss until his wedding day (after “Kissing Dating Goodbye”) sparking a whole slew of no-kiss-courtships.

But in some sense, all these rules are pretty arbitrary. Because, ultimately, except in the case of rape, sex doesn’t begin with intercourse. It doesn’t begin with undressing. It doesn’t even begin with that first kiss.

Physical intimacy between a man and a woman begins with the first touch–and from that first touch, it’s headed in one direction: towards sexual intercourse.

I believe that this is why the Bible says in I Corinthians 7:1 “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.”

I liken physical intimacy to a train, set in motion at the first touch and hurtling with ever increasing momentum towards its destination (intercourse). And, as a radio advertisement for heat pumps that’s been running in the greater Omaha area in the last several years reminds us: it’s hard to stop a train (Trane, in their advertisement).

So how are we to keep ourselves pure? Give us some rules. Tell us what to do.

I’ve wished I could just set myself and others some nice, clear, easy-to-follow rules that would make their relationships fool-proof against premarital sex and inappropriate physical intimacy.

I can’t.

But I can offer some basic words of counsel. First and foremost among them? Only start the train if you can take it to its destination.

If you’re fourteen years old (four years from even being legally able to marry), you have no business starting the train. Which means no touching. Period. No hand-holding, no hugs, no backrubs. Nothing. “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.”

If you’re friends with someone or you’re casually dating them, but aren’t really seriously considering them as a future spouse, you have no business starting the train. Which means no hand-holding (again), no cuddling, no good-night kissing. It means no nothing. “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.”

But what if you’re older and you’re seriously pursuing a relationship with marriage as the intended destination? You’re seriously dating or courting–maybe you’re even engaged. What should you do now?

Again, I don’t have rules for you to follow–but I do have some guidelines that might help you to establish boundaries in this area, and to follow the advice to “only start the train if you can take it to its destination.”

First, start slow. You don’t have to rush into physical intimacy. Even though you might want to, it’s better for you to hold off on physical intimacy. Physical intimacy should be the last level of intimacy that develops in a relationship. Take time to develop the other three levels of intimacy before you step into physical intimacy. Because the truth is that once you start the physical intimacy train, it’s going to want to consume the rest of your relationship. You’re going to want to keep on exploring that physical intimacy side–even at the expense of developing head- and heart-intimacy. So hold off on physical intimacy–and hold off on deepening that intimacy. Just hold hands for a while before moving to anything else. Savor the small bits of physical intimacy instead of pushing on–because the closer you get to that end destination, the harder it is to stop the train.

Second, set boundaries. Maybe you’re a bit confused by this. Didn’t I just tell you that I can’t give you rules to follow regarding physical intimacy? I did. But this isn’t about me giving you rules to follow. This is about you personally, and as a couple, prayerfully making decisions about how you are going to handle physical intimacy–and how you’re going to guard against inappropriate physical intimacy. As you set boundaries, you might want to think about what kind of touching is appropriate and what kind is not. Consider what kind of safeguards you can set up to avoid temptation for inappropriate physical intimacy. If you’re still in your teens or in your parents’ household, you might consider asking your parents to help you to set some of these boundaries. Even if you’re not in your teens or in your parents’ household, I encourage you to involve family and friends in keeping you accountable to maintain these physical boundaries.

Third, I encourage you to apply the brakes at the first warning signs. Even the slowest start and the best-laid boundaries are not guarantees that you won’t walk into sexual sin.

“Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”
I Corinthians 10:12-13

Even the best plans will not take you out of the way of temptation. We cannot become lax, thinking that our rules or ideals can protect us from sin. Rather, we must continually be listening to and obeying the Spirit of God. God will always provide a way of escape–but if we’re not listening to God or being obedient to His voice, we’ll pass right by the escape route on our way directly into sin.

I love how verse 12 speaks directly to this situation: “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.” You think you’re in good shape, you’ve got it covered. You and your boyfriend/girlfriend agree that you aren’t going to have sex before marriage. You’ve set some boundaries (maybe even far from the line of intercourse). You have good intentions. You’re both serious about God. Watch out. Take heed lest you fall.

When the Holy Spirit issues that first alarm, hit the brakes and hit them fast. Don’t presume that you’re strong enough to handle the situation.

I was dating a godly man. He and I were both serious about seeking God’s glory with our lives and in our relationship. We’d set some boundaries. I really wasn’t worried about our physical relationship. He was an honorable man. He wasn’t going to take advantage of me. It was all good.

What I underestimated was the power of my own physical desire. We didn’t do anything inappropriate–I am not ashamed of anything we did. But, because of the nature of the relationship, even small touches awakened a depth of physical desire and I become startlingly aware of my own ability to fall. I realized that it wasn’t just a matter of whether I could trust him or whether we had good intentions–I couldn’t trust myself against the strength of my desire. We didn’t do anything inappropriate–but it wouldn’t have taken much for me to have been willing to do something inappropriate. The pace we had set, the boundaries we had established simply weren’t enough. I, at least, could have easily fallen. It was time to apply the brakes.

“Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.” Listen to the voice of God and apply the brakes at His first warning.

It’s hard to stop a train once it’s started, so exercise wisdom and caution with when and how you start the train–and don’t be afraid to apply the brakes (or to jump out of the train) the moment you realize that the train’s headed to its destination too quickly.

Categories What's on Your Nightstand?

Nightstand (February 2010)

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It’s time again for 5 Minutes 4 Books’ monthly meme.

What's on Your Nightstand?

Last month’s nightstand:

On my nightstand

I’ve done quite a bit less reading than usual this month, partly because the time between meme posts is shorter, but mostly because I’ve been so busy with Love Month (and keeping up with school).

What I actually read this month was:
(Links lead to my reviews of the book, never to a site selling you something.)

Fiction

  • Beyond the Gathering Storm by Janette Oke
  • How Do I Love Thee? by Nancy Moser

Nonfiction

  • The Best Case Scenario Handbook by John Tierney
  • The Bombshell Manual of Style by Laren Stover
  • Cassell Dictionary of Cynical Quotations by Jonathon Green
  • Christmas Letters from Hell by Michael Lent
  • Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway by Dave Barry
  • The Two-Headed Boy and other medical marvels< by Jan Bondeson
    Interesting information, reads like a academic journal–not EXACTLY my favorite kind of reading (although I do quite a bit of it, I prefer it to be in my field!) I stopped this title after 80 pages. But with this one officially done, I’ve finished the Dewey Decimal category 610 at my library.

Juvenile

  • 7 titles by Allan Ahlberg
  • The Anne of Green Gables Storybook
    Why does anyone write adaptations? And why does anyone read them? This is basically all the worst attributes of the Anne movies without any of the redeeming attributes of the Anne books. Ugh!
  • Inkspell by Cornelia Funke
  • Lucy Maud Montgomery by Alexandra Wallner
    Meh. This children’s biography of LMM wasn’t anything spectacular, IMHO.
  • The Mystery of the Broken Blade by Franklin Dixon
  • Princess of the Midnight Ball by Jessica Day George

On my nightstand for next month:

On my nightstand

Fiction

  • John 3:16 by Nancy Moser
  • When Tomorrow Comes by Janette Oke

Nonfiction

  • Don’t Waste Your Life* by John Piper
  • Dug Down Deep* by Joshua Harris
  • Forgotten God by Francis Chan
  • When God Writes Your Love Story* by Eric and Leslie Ludy
  • The World’s Last Night and other essays by C.S. Lewis

Juvenile

  • Bus Station Mystery by Gertrude Chandler Warner
  • Celtic Fairy Tales by Philip and Brent
  • The Complete Fairy Tales of Charles Perrault by Perrault and Holmes
  • Dairy Queen by Catherine Gilbert Murdock
  • The Flickering Torch Mystery by Franklin Dixon
  • The Illustrated Book of Fairy Tales* by Philip and Mistry
  • Children’s picture books AJ-AL

*The asterisk marks books I’m currently in the middle of.

Drop by 5 Minutes 4 Books to see what others are reading.

Categories Love Month

Guarding our hearts

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My story

When did I first hear of the concept of guarding my heart?

I’m not sure. I know that I’d heard it before, that others had mentioned it. But it never really came home to me until my senior year of high school, when I started chatting with this guy online.

He was a friend of a friend and we started talking because I had questions about a college program he was in. Our conversation quickly took us beyond proximity intimacy (the program, our mutual friend), sped right through head intimacy, and rushed into heart intimacy.

I shared my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my heartaches with this guy–and he too had shared his heart with me. We barely met face-to-face, never touched one another (except maybe a handshake)–but we had been emotionally naked with one another.

And when God, through my parents, told me that our relationship was inappropriate and needed to end–it hurt, big time.

That’s when I started to recognize the wisdom of Proverbs 4:23.

“Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.”
Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

The heart is the wellspring of life, a source of our being. And as such, we ought to carefully guard it.

Not everyone can or should have access to this part of you. Like a private place open only to those who have been given the access code, your heart should be kept guarded, protected.

Does this mean you allow no one access to your heart? Does this mean you harden your heart to avoid getting hurt?

By no means.

Some have certainly taken this Scripture to that extreme and have barricaded their hearts to allow no one entrance.

But part of the promise of God in Christ is the promise of a heart of flesh rather than a heart of stone. God designed our hearts to be tender.

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”
Ezekiel 36:26

Practically speaking

So then, what does it mean to guard our hearts–and how do we do it, practically?

The first and most important step in guarding our hearts is found in Philippians 4:6-7

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6-7

Above all, we guard our hearts by presenting them to God. HE then guards them far better than we ever could.

You have needs, desires, longings, fears, and struggles–present them all to God. Give Him your heart. He will guard it. He will protect it.

The opposite of this is what psychologists call codependency–an unhealthy emotional dependence upon another person. Instead of presenting our hearts to God, we pour out our hearts to another person–a person who is incapable of protecting or tending our hearts properly.

The truth is that no one can protect or tend our hearts completely–no one apart from Christ, that is. We can only share our hearts with another person in good confidence if we have first given our hearts over to God’s protection. Only once our hearts are safe in God can we have confidence in allowing others access to them.

Second, I think we need to realize that we simply cannot be “best friends” with the opposite sex.

I’ve heard way too many girls talk about how they’re “best friends” with this guy and they tell each other everything and this relationship is just so wonderful. No, they’re not romantically involved. They’re just friends. But then these girls are surprised and hurt when the guy starts pursuing some other girl and is no longer best friends with them anymore.

It’s time we stopped deceiving ourselves about the power of heart-intimacy. Heart-intimacy is one of the deepest forms of intimacy we can have–and we should guard it carefully. Just like we wouldn’t casually undress in front of our “guy friends”, we shouldn’t casually undress our hearts with guys.

Our relationships with those of the opposite sex should, of necessity, comprise mostly of proximity-intimacy and head-intimacy.

Does that mean we should never share our hearts with someone of the opposite sex? No. But we should place boundaries over when and to what degree we share our hearts with the opposite sex. Just like boundaries are required in a physical relationship, boundaries should be set in a heart-to-heart relationship.

In the relationship I spoke of earlier, with the friend of a friend, I had set no boundaries for what I shared. I just opened up my heart and handed it away. That guy had made no commitment to me. I had made no commitment to him. I had not promised to guard his heart; he had not promised to guard mine. And thus we grew in heart-intimacy without any thought to protecting ourselves or each other.

Heart-intimacy can and should take place between a man and a woman as they move towards marriage–but this heart-intimacy should develop slowly, in step with their commitment to one another and to guard one anothers’ hearts.

Third, we must be aware of how our thoughts influence our hearts and must guard our minds to guard our hearts.

Have you ever had a relationship where you thought maybe there was something, well, something there that turned out to be nothing? You had a bit of a crush, you kinda wondered if he didn’t like you back. You created this whole big thing in your mind and maybe even started doodling his name and yours together on your notebook. You talked to your friends about it–and maybe your friends even encouraged it. “I think he does like you.” You replay every interaction, desperately seeking to decode the messages you are sure were hidden in his “How are you tonight?” And then it turns out that really it was all in your head.

I’ve done that before. I called it a crush, but really it was a one-sided emotional affair. When it turned out to be nothing, I was truly crushed. “How did I misread that situation?” I asked myself. But I’d given away a piece of myself to that person, if only in my thoughts–without him EVER EVEN KNOWING! I’d placed my hopes and dreams, my heart, on that person without him ever even knowing.

That wasn’t guarding my heart. Sure, I wasn’t overtly sharing it with the other person. I was only doing it in my head. But my thoughts impacted my heart–and caused me great hurt when that relationship didn’t turn out as I’d supposed it would.

Ladies, especially, need to take this caution to heart: Unless a guy has specifically told you that there’s something more, assume there’s nothing more than friendship. Don’t let your heart go to places it hasn’t been invited. You’re only opening yourself up to be hurt–and you’re the only one to blame when you end up hurt. That fellow made no promises to you. He didn’t invite you to give him your heart. You’re to blame when he doesn’t fulfill your ill-placed expectations.

And girls? Guard your sisters’ hearts by not encouraging their suppositions. Let’s not encourage one another to make conjectures about what some guy is thinking or feeling. Let’s not do the “I think he likes you” thing that too often leads only to heartbreak.

Guys–you can guard your sisters’ hearts by being honest with them about where you’re at and by not initiating emotional or physical intimacy unless you have first made a commitment to them (which you have articulated, by which I mean said.)

In review

So, in review: Heart-intimacy is an incredibly deep form of relational intimacy. As such, we should place boundaries over who has access to our hearts and when. We should guard our hearts. We guard our hearts by 1) entrusting them to God, 2) avoiding heart-intimacy with the opposite sex outside of committed relationships, and 3) guarding our thoughts in relation to the opposite sex. Guarding our hearts does not mean hardening our hearts–it means protecting them as the treasure that they are.

Categories Love Month

Levels of Intimacy

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What is intimacy?

For a lot of people, intimacy is synonymous with sex.

I think this is unfortunate.

Merriam-Webster defines the word intimate as

  1. a : intrinsic, essential b : belonging to or characterizing one’s deepest nature
  2. : marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity
  3. a : marked by a warm friendship developing through long association b : suggesting informal warmth or privacy
  4. : of a very personal or private nature

If something is intimate, it is something that makes up the core of who you are. And intimacy is the sharing of yourself with someone else.

But just like there are many levels to who we are, there are many levels to intimacy. We are physical creatures, yes–but we are also soulish creatures and spiritual creatures, with a spirit, a heart, a mind, emotions. There are very real parts of ourselves in each of these dimensions–and there is opportunity for intimacy in each of these dimensions as well.

Levels of Intimacy

Others have likely come up with even better descriptions of levels of intimacy, but I like to divide intimacy into four categories: proximity intimacy, head intimacy, heart intimacy, and physical intimacy.

Proximity intimacy is the most superficial level of intimacy. This is the intimacy, the sharing of ourselves, that occurs simply because we are physically in proximity to one another. This is the type of sharing that occurs with our coworkers, our neighbors, people we meet as we go about our daily lives. We relate on the basis of shared experiences and shared interests. We talk about the weather, about our hobbies, about the Huskers :-). This realm, in many ways, is all about what we do.

The next level of intimacy is head intimacy. This is intimacy formed from sharing our minds with others. We relate on the basis of shared ideas, shared opinions. We talk politics or religion or education or books. This realm is all about what we think.

Next comes heart intimacy. This is the intimacy formed from sharing our hearts with others. We share our hopes, our dreams, our fears, our worries. We talk aspirations and struggles and triumphs and despair. This realm is all about what we feel.

The final level of intimacy is physical intimacy. This is the intimacy of sharing one’s body with another.

Intimacy in relationships

I think that the concept of levels of intimacy is important because it helps us to understand proper progression of relationships and helps us to establish appropriate boundaries for relationships.

As I said, proximity intimacy is the most superficial level of intimacy. It is relatively easy to establish this form of intimacy–and relatively easy to break it off. This is the realm of casual acquaintances, cocktail party small talk. We can find common interests with someone, can watch a movie together or play a card game together. The group of people with whom we have proximity intimacy is always shifting, always changing as we move in and out of jobs, communities, community organizations, stores, parties, and the like. We experience a small degree of joy in forming these intimacies, and an equally small degree of sorrow when these intimacies are broken.

We generally don’t have–and don’t need to have–many boundaries on this level of intimacy. The intimacy is superficial enough that we don’t have to limit access to this area of ourselves at all. Anyone is welcome to know us and interact with us on this level.

We are a little more selective at the second level of intimacy–head intimacy. We don’t just share our thoughts with anyone. Here, we often search for someone who is like-minded, someone who has a similar outlook on life. That’s not to say that we agree 100% with the people we allow into this area–but we have some sort of underlying agreement. Perhaps we agree that politics or religion are important–so we discuss politics or religion. This realm narrows our group of intimates a bit more. We tend to enjoy this intimacy to a greater degree than we do proximity intimacy–but this is still fairly superficial. Friendships in this realm still come and go rather fluidly. We might mourn the loss of a head-friend, but on a general level. It’s easy to replace a head-friend. While we have some boundaries in this level, this is still a pretty superficial level. We don’t need to limit access to this area that much.

The third level of intimacy is heart-intimacy. This is where we’re really starting to get close. Now we’re revealing deep, core things about who we are. We’ve moved past what we do and what we think to what we feel. Our intimates in this realm are, of necessity, a smaller group. We simply cannot have a hundred heart-intimate friends. We haven’t enough heart to share with them all!

This is the realm of friendship where our souls become knit together, such that separation is painful. While one only occasionally mourns the loss of a head-friend–and even less often the loss of a proximity-friend (a casual acquaintance)–one always mourns the loss of a heart-friend.

It is at this point that we begin to establish more strict boundaries. We seek out heart-friends that we know we can trust–those who will be gentle with the heart we have shared with them. We seek out heart-friends who will share our burdens, who will rejoice when we rejoice, who will weep with us when we weep.

And it is here that we must begin to exercise caution with opposite sex friendships. I’ll discuss this more later, but this level of intimacy moves an opposite sex relationship beyond just friendship–whatever you choose to call it.

The fourth and final level of intimacy, physical intimacy, occurs only within romantic relationships, and ultimately culminates in intercourse. This realm requires strict boundaries. This is, at least partly, what Jesus was talking about when He spoke to the Pharisees.

“And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Matthew 19:4-6

God designed this level of intimacy to be particularly deep, particularly precious. And as such, it ought to be guarded and protected until the appropriate time–with the appropriate person.

In the next couple of days, we will discuss heart-intimacy and physical-intimacy in more depth. For now, I think it’s important to recognize the wisdom of moving through these levels of intimacy in sequence. Whether in opposite- or same-sex relationships, it can be dangerous to rush through these levels or to skip levels along the way. Skipping from proximity-intimacy to heart-intimacy without establishing trust and shared values in the head-intimacy stage can lead to great heart-ache when one or both parties fail to honor one anothers’ hearts. Skipping from proximity-intimacy or head-intimacy to physical intimacy can leave both parties battered when it becomes clear that marriage is not an option (or when an ill-advised marriage ends in divorce).

It’s valuable to consider the levels of intimacy and to take deliberate steps to move through the levels in a measured manner rather than letting emotion or physical desire rush you into revealing too much of yourself too soon.

Categories Memes

Meme: Confession

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Because sometimes you need a bit of a break from Love Month posts :-)

I got this one from Gracebug.

1. The phone rings; who do you want it to be?
Nobody. It’s too late for a phone call to be anything good.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
I rarely use a cart as I can fit a week’s worth of groceries in my two homemade canvas shopping bags–but when I use a cart I return it (and the half dozen carts loitering about the parking lot.)

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
Probably a talker

4. Do you take compliments well?
I’d like to think so :-)

5. Do you play Sudoku?
Back in the day. Haven’t for a year or so.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
Of course. I am a survivor.

7. Do you like to ride horses?
I’ve only ever ridden the kind of horses they have at Mahoney State Park–couldn’t say whether I like to or not.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Missionette camp for a couple of years.

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?
Indians. “Circuit races”. Making hay while the sun shines. Tornado. I was an odd child.

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you go for it?
I’d flee.

11. Have you lied to get out of a date?
Yes. Or at least, I acted like the ring on my finger meant I was taken.

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
No way. Number one item on the list is that he be a believer growing in Christ. “Do not be unequally yoked…for what fellowship does light have with darkness?”

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
To be pursued. I’m a woman. It’s how God made us.

14. Use three words to describe yourself
Passionate. Opinionated. Feminine.

15. Do any songs make you cry?
Yes, that one that’s intentionally designed to wring tears from families with kids in the military. “Word of God Speak” by Mercy Me. “In the Garden”. The national anthem.

16. Are you continuing your education?
Currently continuing. Not sure how much longer. (Do I want a Ph.D?)

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Nope. Although I’ve had a few people offer to take me shooting. I’ll have to think about whether I want to take them up on that.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
My roommate

19. How often do you read books?
Every day–often several times a day.

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
All three. It varies by the day.

21. What is your favorite children’s book?
Toot and Puddle

22. What color are your eyes?
Blue, just like my sisters. (And my daddy. And three of my brothers.)

23. How tall are you?
Very tall. My dad says I’m an intimidating woman. I think it’s less because of my height and more because the stilletos can exert a good deal of force on a foot or a face. (5’9″ or 5’10 in stocking feet.)

24. Where is your dream house located?
I no longer know.

25. Do you have a secret fetish?
I don’t think so. I don’t have many secrets. Or many fetishes.

26. Have you tried sushi?
Yes.

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
No.

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
A coupla weeks ago (same time as Grace)

29. When was the last time you were at Church?
This morning

30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
To church

31. What was your favorite job?
Interning at the Lincoln-Lancaster County Health Department–running the 5-4-3-2-1-Go! program.

32. Do you like mustard?
Yes-especially Best Choice (store brand) honey mustard.

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
I like both–but eating is more enjoyable. I tend to not be very conscious while I’m sleeping.

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
I have my mom’s hair and nose, my dad’s eyes and oval face. I probably resemble my dad more than my mom–but it’s a close call.

35. How long does it take you in the shower?
If I’m showering, it’s generally ’cause I’m in a REAL hurry–so 5 minutes tops.

36. Can you do the splits?
Uh-uh.

37. What movie do you want to see right now?
Do I want to see a movie right now?

38. If you could fast forward your life, would you?
I’d be tempted to fast forward to the end of school–but I don’t think it’d be wise. God plans the days of my life for a reason. I’d rather not skip His purposes in any of them.

39. What did you do for New Year’s?
Hung out at Anna’s

40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
THE Grudge? What grudge? Most grudges are scary.

41. Could you relate to a character in Mean Girls?
Never seen it. Heard about it. I hope I’m not anything like those girls.

42. Do you own a camera phone?
My phone does have a camera. I don’t use it.

43. Do you have an “ex box” with pics and letters from past lovers?
Past lovers? No.

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
No. More like Salutatorian (right?), newspaper, choir, volleyball… It was a small school and Mom was smart.

45. What’s the last letter of your middle name?
E

46. Do you like your middle name?
I do. It means “myrh” (or bitter)

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
The $64,000 question.

48. Do you like care bears?
I’ve never really had an opinion regarding Care Bears.

49. What do you buy at the movies?
Nothing. I don’t go to movies.

50. Do you know how to play poker?
I have officially learned how to play Texas Hold’em. Which doesn’t mean that I could actually play it.

51. Do you wear your seatbelt?
Every time I’m in a vehicle.

52. What do you wear to sleep?
These days, sweatpants and a t-shirt and full socks.

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Husker football, and baseball, and volleyball.

54. How many meals do you eat a day?
Three, generally.

55. Is your tongue pierced?
Negative.

56. Ever meet anyone you met on myspace?
Never met anyone on myspace. Not on myspace. Think myspace is of the devil.

57. Do you read myspace bulletins?
See above.

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
I think I’ve heard this question before. Didn’t know how to answer it the last time either.

59. Ever been to L.A.?
Nope

60. Did you eat a cookie today?
No…no, I didn’t. Bummer.

61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
If I do, it’s entirely accidental. I do occasionally yell jibberish when I first wake up.

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
Only download legally. Was convicted about this five or six years ago and wiped my entire collection.

63. Do you hate chocolate?
As if.

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
Dad and I: predestination, John Piper
Mom and I: science fiction :-P

65. Are you a gullible person?
I suspect so, but am unsure.

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
Perfect joy is found in Christ and Christ alone.

67. If you could have any job what would it be?
Mmm. There are lots I’d like–wife, mother, director of a church-based community center, community-based dietitian, lactation consultant, the list goes on and on. But, for now, I’ll be content with wherever God leads me. Because what He chooses for me is ultimately the best choice.

68. Are you easy to get along with?
Depends on whether you are. (B’I’on know. Whatcha askin’ me for?)

69. What is your favorite time of day?
Early mornings when I’ve slept enough the night before.

70. What is the last book you read?
Don’t Waste Your Life by John Piper (currently in the middle of)
Dug Down Deep by Joshua Harris (currently in the middle of)
Good Enough by Paula Yoo (finished Friday)

Categories Love Month

Taking issue with lust

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I was twenty years old before I became aware that lust was something that I dealt with. It’d been drilled into my head that lust was a man’s problem. Lust, in my mind and as I’d heard it discussed, was all about enjoying naked bodies. Since I didn’t mentally undress men as they walked down the street, I assumed that meant I couldn’t have a problem with lust.

Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I believe this misconception kept me bound for a lot longer than I needed to be.

Which is why I get serious about talking about lust–with both men and women. Lust is an issue for both sexes–even if it might take on different forms.

Merriam-Webster defines lust as “intense or unbridled sexual desire.” Ultimately, lust is sexual desire that has not been bridled or controlled. Let me make clear–all of us experience sexual desire. It is how God made us. But God designed sexual desire to be expressed in a specific way, within certain boundaries. God intended that the sexual desire of a man be directed towards his wife, to give her joy. God intended that the sexual desire of a woman be directed towards her husband, to give him joy. Lust turns that sexual desire inward towards oneself or outward to someone who is not one’s spouse, and makes the goal one’s own pleasure.

Pornography, female and otherwise

My mom mentioned pornography in her guest post a couple of days ago. She talked about porn being more than just sexually exploitative pictures. And she’s absolutely right.

Merriam-Webster defines pornography as “the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement, material (as books or a photograph) that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement, or the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction.”

Do you notice the common theme among those definitions? Pornography is something that arouses a sexual or emotional response. Ultimately, pornography is something that is intended to arouse lust in one’s heart and mind.

Check out the etymology of this word. Merriam-Webster says it is from the Greek “pornographos, adjective, writing about prostitutes, from pornē prostitute + graphein to write”. Written prostitution. Sleeping with someone who’s not your spouse through the power of an image or a written word.

Ultimately, I believe pornography is marked by two basic characteristics. First, pornography is like using a prostitute. It is inherently selfish. It is all about fulfilling me, accomplishing my pleasure, without any regard for the other person. Second, pornography involves a fantasy world, whether that fantasy world exists on a page or a screen. It alters the world from the way God intended it to be and instead insists that wrong is right and right is wrong.

This is true of pornography whether it be in the form of explicit photographs, movies, or books. But, like my mom mentioned, we should be aware that directly sexual images and words are not the only potentially pornographic images and words.

Case Study: Movies

For example, the most pornographic movie I’ve ever seen was… (drumroll please)…
“Twilight”.

Yes, that’s right. For me, “Twilight” was downright pornographic. It didn’t have any sex scenes, it didn’t have any nudity. I don’t even remember if there was any kissing. It was a “clean” move.

But I found it absolutely pornographic. It has all the elements of porn for me. It pulled me into an alternate reality, a selfish reality. It awakened in me a lust for an “Edward”–a man whose life centers around me, a man who wants nothing more than to be near me, to see me, to watch me sleep. It awakens in me unbridled sexual desire–focused upon fulfilling me.

Last night, I watched “Moulin Rouge” with a friend. Despite its PG-13 rating for sexual content and the pervasiveness of sexual scenes, “Moulin Rouge” wasn’t pornographic for me. Not even close. I felt sympathy for Satine, but that movie awakened no untoward desire in me. I did not enter into an alternate reality as I watched that movie.

It’s tricky, because porn isn’t always as easy as checking the nudity ratings of a movie. Yes, this can be useful–especially if nudity or sexual content is an issue for you. But we can’t assume that because a movie doesn’t contain a sex scene that it’s “safe.”

We need to be always on the alert–guarding our eyes, guarding our ears, guarding our hearts. And when the Holy Spirit speaks, we need to obey. Not rationalizing His voice away. Not worrying about what God’s saying to someone else. We just need to obey.

My sisters love the movie “Twilight.” And that’s okay. My job isn’t to judge them because of what God has told me. Nor is it to make excuses for them. My job is to be obedient to what God has told me to do. And God has told me not to watch “Twilight” again.

Maybe God has convicted someone else that “Moulin Rouge” is sinful for them. My job is not to judge that person. Nor is it to try to convince them that it’s all good because I don’t have a problem with “Moulin Rouge”. My job is to be obedient to what God has told me to do–and to encourage them to be obedient to what God has told them to do.

Case study: Romance novels

Confession: I was a romance novel addict. I lived in a fantasy world with a thousand fantasy men–prostitutes engaged to fulfill my desires, sexual and otherwise. I read Harlequin’s “Blazing Hot” novels, Christian romance novels, and Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. All of them were sinful and pornographic for me at that point. They took me to an alternate world that was all about me and fulfilling my lusts.

You know what? I still read romance novels today. But I no longer live in that lust-filled fantasy world.

When God convicted me about my romance-novel porn, He didn’t tell me to swear off reading. He didn’t even tell me to swear off romance novels.

He did convict me that I was not to read the Harlequin’s with explicit sexual scenes. Period. To read those would be sin for me. End of story.

The other stuff is different. Sometimes it is porn for me–and sometimes it isn’t. I don’t have specific rules for my reading. I have to listen to the Spirit. Believe it or not, sometimes the book that was just fine for me to read a week ago is not appropriate for me to read today. I have to listen to and be obedient to the Spirit. He knows my weaknesses and knows exactly when I should and should not read certain things.

I do have one general principle that I follow when reading that enables me to walk in purity. I vary my reading. I make it a point to read a great variety of books–fiction, nonfiction, classics, children’s, whatever. I don’t let myself read more than one romance novel in a row. One might be entertainment, but two too often becomes a fantasy world of escapism. I can’t let myself escape to a world of selfish sensual desires. I have to stay in reality and focused on pleasing God and serving others. Varying my reading enables me to do that.

Maybe that’s what the Holy Spirit will lead you to do. Maybe He’ll lead you to completely give up romance novels like He led my mom to. It doesn’t matter which (or if He tells you something completely different.) The important thing is that you are listening to and obeying the voice of God.

Studs, Hot Guys, and Sex Objects

One of the primary objections that even the secular world has against pornography is that it objectifies women. And they’re absolutely right. Porn, in its classical sense, turns women into an object whose only function is fulfilling the sexual desires of men.

But porn isn’t the only thing that objectifies women. And women aren’t the only ones who can be objectified. Women can objectify men as well. And that objectification itself is inappropriate and sinful. It is not acting in love towards the other person.

I know women who would loudly object to men carrying on a conversation about how “hot” a certain actress is and how that plunging neckline…

But these same women think nothing of “ooo”ing and “ah”ing over how hot Taylor Lautner is when he takes of his shirt in “New Moon”. (Sorry, I wasn’t intending to pick on Twilight here–it’s just that he’s the latest fellow I’ve heard objectified.) And then there’s the more subtle but no less inappropriate objectification–swooning over Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy, for example.

I say I know these women–but it’s even worse. I have been one of these women on more than one occasion. And that’s just not right.

When I objectify a man, I sin against God, against that man, and against all my brothers. What’s more, I (often unwittingly) encourage my younger sisters who look to me as an example to look at men in this same sinful way.

I encourage all of us to think carefully how we speak about the opposite sex (even among our closest friends). They are not sex objects–and we shouldn’t act or speak as if they are.

O Lord, set a guard over my tongue that I may honor You and both my brothers and sisters in how I speak about the opposite sex.

Masturbation

I cannot end my discussion of lust without at least mentioning a topic that has heretofore been taboo in the church, especially among women in the church.

Masturbation.

Masturbation is a pervasive problem in today’s culture and within our churches–but it is a problem shrouded in confusion and secrecy.

There are many different opinions on masturbation–but mine is clear. Masturbation is intrinsically a selfish sexual act. It is taking a pleasure intended to be shared between a man and his wife in the context of marital relationship and mutual submission and instead making it all about fulfilling one’s own lusts and desires.

Just like these other lustful things, masturbation is selfish and creates an alternate world–a lie of sexual pleasure devoid of relationship.

Masturbation is ultimately a false lover. It will not fulfill your desires, nor will it promote healthy relationship between you and your spouse (whether current or future.)

What to do about lust

Lust is sin–and it’s a sin that both men and women deal with. Because lust is often a secret, private sin, it can become a huge stronghold in our lives. Many Christian men and women despair that they will ever overcome in the area of sexual sin.

I come with good news. The cross of Christ is sufficient not only to cover over your sexual impurity of thought and deed–it is also sufficient to free you from the power of sin and death.

I think many who are caught in sexual sin can identify with Paul’s words:

“For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.”
Romans 7:14-19

We’ve felt trapped, ensnared, prisoner to our own lusts.

But the cross offers hope.

“O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! ”
Romans 7:24-25

Jesus Christ our Lord has conquered sin–and through Him, we also are more than conquerors (Romans 8:37).

So let us begin to walk in freedom from sexual sin. Some first steps in walking in freedom?

  1. Repent

    “Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord,”
    Acts 3:19

  2. Listen to and obey the Holy Spirit

    “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”
    I Corinthians 10:13

  3. Take practical steps to avoid sin
    • Meditate on Scripture

      “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.”
      Philippians 4:8

    • Flee from temptation

      “Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”
      II Timothy 2:22

    • Seek accountability

      “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”
      James 5:16

Categories Recap

Recap (Feb 14-20)

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On the web
Remember how I didn’t have much time for blog reading last week? Well, that means you might be getting two weeks worth of links as I catch up on ALL my reading. Enjoy!

Laugh out loud funnies:

Books for the TBR list:

News to take note of:

Thought-provoking posts:

  • On Contemporary Christian Music:

    I would suggest that listening to mainstream radio with your guard up and your worldview filter on is safer than listening to Christian radio with your guard down. Subtle, bad theology is more dangerous to unsuspecting Christians than is blatant bad theology.

    Thanks to Vitamin Z for directing me to this article.

  • Sometimes you just gotta vomit. I love SCL’s Serious Wednesdays–and this one’s majorly good.
  • What are we to do about college debt? By God’s grace, I’ll make it through my masters with far less than $155,000–but what does the slavery I’ve sold myself into mean for my ability to glorify God with my future? Will I ever have to choose between him and my other master, the United States Government (thanks to federally subsidized student loans)?
  • Making me feel hopeful for our soon to be reconfigured family. I think several of us are having some bleary eye moments as we prepare to become a military family (John’s enlisted in the Marines, Tim’s waiting to hear from Navy ROTC-Marine option.)
  • I’m loving Davene’s “good thing” post–way to see the bright side and give thanks instead of complaining!
  • Does your devotional time look like this? Oh that I might be greedy for God again as I was when I was young. (Thanks to DG for pointing me to this article.)

Videos worth seeing:

  • T-shirt wars: very amusing
  • How to start a movement (via Buzzard Blog
  • Oh. my. goodness. Absolutely hilarious!
Categories Love Month

Purity of Heart (Guest Post)

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And now for my favorite part of Love Month–where the guys go off to talk about lust–and the girls go off to talk about how to keep guys from lusting (modesty). But wait–I already talked about modesty (and why the goal SHOULDN’T be keeping guys from lusting)–

Instead, I’ve asked my mom to write up a little something about purity. My mother is a godly woman, full of wisdom (and with the gray hair to prove it!) I think you’ll learn much from her perspective on purity, sexual and otherwise.

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We often think of purity only in a sexual sense. This is an incomplete look at purity. Purity, like any other sin, is a matter of the heart. When Jesus spoke about the commands of the Old Testament, He made each one a matter of the heart even though the Jews had made them a matter of rules (i.e. Jesus called hating your brother murder.) Purity is no different. We’d like to reduce purity down to a bunch of rules – you can go this far, and still be okay. Col. 2:23 tells us that rules, even though they appear wise, have no value against fleshly indulgence.

“These things indeed have an appearance of wisdom in self-imposed religion, false humility, and neglect of the body, but are of no value against the indulgence of the flesh.”

Why is that? It is because, as James 1:14 tells us, sin is conceived of our own lust. It originates in a desire within our own flesh.

“But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed.”

Rules only deal with the outside things. But a person can “obey all the rules”, and still not be pure because of the condition of the heart. Rebekah defined purity for us a few days ago.

Purity: the quality or state of being pure

Pure: unmixed with any other matter; free from dust, dirt, or taint; spotless, stainless; free from harshness or roughness and being in tune; free from what vitiates, weakens, or pollutes; containing nothing that does not properly belong; free from moral fault or guilt; marked by chastity;

Notice the phrase “containing NOTHING that does not properly belong.” Lusts and comparisons don’t belong in a pure relationship.

“But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.”
I Timothy 1:5 NASB

We know that, in general, apart from Christ, we are not pure yet He makes us pure by faith in Him. But let’s get practical and look at the part we all think of when we talk about purity – sex.

What about sexual purity?

Let me ask this: Is sex completely a physical thing, with no link to our emotions or our spirit? If your answer is yes, you’re an animal, which has no moral code, so this whole discussion is irrelevant. If your answer is “no, it’s not just physical,” then it makes sense that sexual purity would also not be just physical.

Anything that brings an element of wrongness to a monogamous marital relationship is a part of sexual impurity. If my only thought is my own pleasure, I bring selfishness into it, and I am not pure. You may say that’s a little extreme. But is it? Purity is not just an idea for singles (usually when we say purity we really mean abstinence). Purity is a cleanness of heart and motive in a relationship acted out in what we do and say.

We know the obvious things that bring impurity into a marriage bed – a literal other man or woman from an affair or premarital sex that we are comparing our marriage experience to. We hear a lot about pornography in relation to men’s sexual sins. But I think that women also have their form of pornography–but because it’s not pictures exploiting someone else, we don’t recognize it as such.

I’m speaking of romance novels. Some have explicit scenes that can give a physical image that brings an element of comparison, but I think the emotional pull of a storybook man is far more detrimental to a relationship with a husband. “My man doesn’t make me FEEL like that!”

Women have a God-given desire to be emotionally joined to a man, not just physically joined. We dream of having him understand us, and be tender toward us. We want him to be sensitive, yet masculine, etc. All these things can be rolled into one storybook man, where it’s easy for us to see it (usually because the book is written by a woman, so her men think and speak like women) and the woman doesn’t have to draw him out or even quit acting like a selfish jerk herself. I’m not saying men like that don’t exist. It just takes a lot more effort and self-sacrifice on our part to see it in a real man that also has faults.

In real life, we have to invest in a relationship in order to see the things we want come out of it. So this fiction may give a sense of dissatisfaction in our man, or may awaken feelings that shouldn’t be stirred yet. (Song of Solomon tells us not to arouse or awaken love until the appropriate time.) How can a woman be content in singleness if she constantly stirs this up? So even though the reader isn’t physically committing adultery or fornication, she is doing so emotionally, and she brings this baggage into her marital relationship. That’s impurity.

I think the pressures toward impure thoughts and actions from external things are greater than they were when I grew up. More things are openly explicit, and accepted by society as a whole. Opportunity for impurity may be greater. This means it requires more boldness to stand against impurity; but, because sin originates in the desires of our flesh, I would say the struggle is the same.

The victory is also the same. You have a conscience that is alive to God. Listen to His voice. He will show you what makes you sexually impure, if you will allow Him to. Respond to His voice with repentance and trust and He will lead you down a path of purity.

“For thus the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel, has said, ‘In repentance and rest you shall be saved, In quietness and trust is your strength.'”
Isaiah 30:15 NASB

Categories Love Month

Fulfilling our roles

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It’s all well and right to encourage men to be masculine and women to be feminine. But what exactly does that mean?

Does masculinity mean that men should all hunt and own big trucks and not wear deodorant (a la Matthew McConaughey)? Does femininity mean that women should all bake cupcakes and quilt and wear skirts? Sure, these are things that we might associate with masculinity or femininity. But these do not define our masculinity or femininity.

So what does define masculinity or femininity? What should define masculinity and femininity?

Feminine is defined as “characteristic of or appropriate for or unique to women”. Masculine is defined as “characteristic of or appropriate for or unique to men”. So what we are looking for when we refer to masculinity or femininity is characteristics that are appropriate for and/or unique to either men or women.

Are hunting, owning big trucks, and not wearing deodorant appropriate for men? We probably all have our own opinions about those. Are hunting, owning big trucks, and not wearing deodorant unique to men? Definitely not. Are baking cupcakes, quilting, and wearing skirts appropriate for women? I doubt many would disagree. But are those activities unique to women? No. Not at all.

So then, how are we to understand the ideas of masculinity and femininity?

We must look to the One who made us, who made men and women unique from one another. We must look to the One whose nature determines what is appropriate or inappropriate.

And, as I mentioned yesterday, He has created men and women to fulfill different roles. He has created men to fulfill the roles “leader” and “servant”, and women to fulfill the roles “helper” and “lover” (or “nurturer”). So, then, we can judge individual actions by how they help us to fulfill the roles that God has set as appropriate and unique to man or to woman.

Inasmuch as shooting a gun or owning a big truck enables a man to lead and serve, it is masculine. Inasmuch as baking cupcakes or quilting enables a woman to help and nurture, it is feminine. But a man can shoot a gun and own a big truck and still not be masculine. A woman can wear skirts and cook all day long and still not be feminine. True masculinity is found in fulfilling the role God has given men. True feminity is found in fulfilling the role God has given women.

This demands that we broaden and deepen our understanding of femininity and masculinity. Because ultimately, femininity and masculinity are not about externals–what we wear or do–but about internals–why and how we do what we do.

Masculinity in practice

Masculinity is defined by the roles God has given men, namely leader and servant.

In the role of leader, masculinity means taking initiative. It means determining where you’re going and taking initiative to move in that direction. Masculine men seek God and desire to glorify Him–and they take steps to lead those around them in the same direction. This means they’ll direct conversation towards God-honoring topics, they’ll take initiative in romantic relationships (I’ll talk more about this next week), and they’ll serve others.

Because, after all, Jesus includes the “servant” role within the “leader” role:

“You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Matthew 20:25-28

Serving means looking for what’s best for the other person. These are those things Joshua spoke about in his Code of a Gentleman.

I think we all know what I mean when I talk about a gentlemanly action or offer. This would be like getting the door or helping someone carry their things.

I think one of the biggest no-nos we can do as men is flatter. There is a fine line between a compliment and flattery and I don’t think I’ve discovered it yet. The hardest thing is to find that balance. Complementing is something we’re encouraged to do (Hebrews 10:24-25), but flattery is a swindler.

You as a gentleman are responsible for the lady’s safety, so always be alert. Again, like I said before, many can “act” like a gentleman, but being a gentleman is a continual practice. Be intentional about it, pay attention to every detail.

Masculine men choose to lead and serve the women around them by 1) pointing them to Christ, 2) protecting them, and 3) providing for their needs. This can take the form of physical gestures–Joshua mentioned opening the door for a woman, helping her carry her groceries in, watching out for dangerous situations. I can’t say how blessed I have been by the masculine men in my life who walk me home when it’s late so that I don’t have to be walking through the dark. Sometimes this service can be immensely practical–shoveling snow or pulling a lady out of a ditch. Sometimes it means talking with her mechanic to make sure she isn’t being cheated, or giving the guy who definitely ISN’T leading and serving her a talking to.

Masculinity, then, is not a set of rules, nor is it a collection of hobbies. It’s a choice to deliberately seek out ways to fulfill the roles you as men have been given by God.

Femininity in Practice

Just as masculinity is defined by roles, femininity is defined by the specific roles God has given women: helper and nurturer.

Don’t you just love that term helper? It places women in an interesting situation. It means that our job isn’t necessarily to set the agenda–but to assist in accomplishing it. Much of a woman’s role–and therefore her femininity is framed by her response to man’s leadership.

A feminine woman responds to man’s leadership, enabling him to fulfill the leadership role he’s been given. This means responding to his gentlemanly offers of assistance by accepting them–even if she can get the door by herself. This means taking it seriously when a brother warns you against jogging alone on a secluded bike path.

Joshua put it well when he said:

“Encourage each act that is offered by accepting as many as you can. This is where your sacrifice comes in, because I know it goes against the culture of feminine independence and appears to be an admission of need, but it is needed if you want to encourage a consistently gentlemanlike man.”

A feminine woman responds to the leadership of man by following. When he arranges something, the feminine woman participates and asks how she can help. Note that I said “help”. Too often, we females hear a guy’s idea and then take over. But a feminine woman doesn’t jump in and take over–a feminine woman offers assistance but lets the guy continue to lead (even if she thinks she could do it better!)

The nurturing role of woman is never more clearly seen than during pregnancy–when she is quite literally her child’s sustenance. But women were created to be life-givers–not just in a physical sense, but in many ways. The “feminine arts” (cooking, sewing, home crafts) are called “feminine” because they can be used to fulfill the role of woman as “nurturer”–providing food, warmth, clothing, sustenance, a sense of belonging, a sense of beauty. But these are only the tools of a feminine woman; they are not feminine in and of themselves.

Sometimes a woman can get so caught up in the craft or the project or the joy of creating that she fails to use these things to fulfill her role. In that case, these hobbies are just hobbies–not feminine at all.

On the other hand, when a woman uses these or other things to fulfill the unique roles she has been given by God, she is a truly feminine woman.

So what might nurturing look like? It means bringing comfort. It means investing in relationships. It means seeing and meeting physical needs and beyond. It means speaking words of encouragement rather than words that tear people down.

I think this (words) is one of the biggest forgotten arts of femininity. I Peter 3:4 encourages women to adorn themselves with a “gentle and quiet spirit”. This pleases God–and brings nourishment to those around us. But too often, we are strident and self-seeking. Even our “fun” has barbs. We find fault with everyone–and especially with men.

I think Joshua’s comment on how women can encourage men to be gentlemanlike is pretty insightful:

“First, don’t comment on or berate a man for not being a gentleman. If he’s really one of this fraternity of gentleman, he already knows when he doesn’t act like one and is probably beating himself up over it. It is my experience that this form of encouragement is not helpful nor constructive. For those caught in that situation, I would just give him another chance or ask him to do the gentlemanly act for you.”

When we “comment [on] or berate” a man for not fulfilling his roles, we are not fulfilling our roles as women. We are not helping him to lead and serve us. We are not nurturing his heart or soul. We’re tearing him down.

So maybe instead, we women should make it a point to a) respond to man’s leadership and service by following his guidance or accepting his service and b) encourage man’s leadership and service by pointing out his actions and complimenting him when he fulfills his roles.

Femininity is not Emily Post etiquette (just like Joshua said gentlemanliness is not about etiquette.) It’s not a set of household chores or home-making hobbies. Femininity is a choice to deliberately seek out ways to fulfill the roles we as women have been given by God.

Encouraging the opposite sex to fulfill their roles

A friend and I were having a discussion about–well, it started out with headcoverings and moved on to the roles of women in the church. And somehow, we got to talking about women teaching and having authority over men–and what that looks like. I’ve often heard the argument made that if men aren’t taking leadership, then the women have no choice but to lead. And I’ve rarely had a response for that except that the Bible teaches otherwise (which is sufficient, of course, but not exactly mentally satisfying). But as my friend and I were talking, it suddenly became clear to me why that argument is a fool’s argument.

Women can’t encourage men to fulfill their male roles by forsaking their own female roles. The woman who claims that she has to be a pastor because the men just won’t take leadership (fulfill their role) is proposing that the solution to men not fulfilling their roles should be women not fulfilling theirs. What a crock!

Instead, the way we can encourage others to fulfill their respective roles is to fulfill our own roles.

Men, this means continuing to lead and serve–even when others aren’t following and your every attempt to open the door for a girl meets with a rebuff. Women, this means continuing to help and to nurture–even when the task you’re helping with seems small and the opportunities for encouraging far between.

So study out what it means to be a man. Take a look at what it means to be a woman. Dig deep into the Scriptures about roles of men and women. Apprentice yourself to a masculine man or a feminine woman. Take a look at some Biblically-based resources. For general study, I recommend Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (Click on the title for a pdf file of the hefty and comprehensive volume–or borrow a paper copy from my dad!) For married or engaged men and women, Robert Lewis and William Hendricks’s Rocking the Roles is a great resource. Both married and single ladies can benefit greatly from Barbara Moser’s Five Aspects of Woman (The link leads to the publisher’s website, where, among other things, you can listen to free audio lectures from the Bible study.) And men may enjoy John Eldredge’s Wild at Heart (I wish I had a more theological/Bible study-ish book to direct men to, but, alas, my reading experience when it comes to Biblical masculinity is rather slim. So, men, help us out if you know of some better resources.)

Make it a goal to fulfill your role as a masculine man or a feminine woman.