Everyday Life

Since first putting Tirzah Mae in the nursery in August, it feels as though it’s been a constant parade of illness around here.

A little cold that I think might be just allergies except that one of the little girls in my class had been snuffling the day before. A virus that came on suddenly in midday, giving Tirzah Mae and I drippy noses and quickly raw throats – and that lasted 3 weeks. A bout or two of diarrhea (was that just because of her teeth, I wonder, or was it a bug?)

Generally, I’ve felt bad for Tirzah Mae because I’ve been attributing my own pain to her. Her throat has to hurt since mine does. Her ears have got to be uncomfortable because mine are. I’ve empathized in a self-pitying way, reminding myself that it’s no wonder she wants to nurse all.the.live-long.day when her throat hurts like mine does and the only thing that helps is to have a steady stream of warm liquid (that’s not snot) constantly bathing it.

That three-week-long cold? Tirzah Mae started feeling better (for all I can tell) long before I did. In fact, I only just woke up yesterday without my throat on fire.

Yesterday. When Tirzah Mae woke up with a big blob of snot on her face.

I refused to miss Bible study, kept her with me instead of in the nursery. We spent the afternoon cuddling – at least until I had to go to my doctor’s appointment to get a thing-a-ma-jigger removed from my back. She stayed up way later than her normal bedtime (as did her mother).

And she woke me up wailing at midnight.

Except when I went to get her, she wasn’t standing in her crib like she usually does – she was lying on her belly, lifting her head just a few inches off the mattress and then letting it drop back down again.

I fed her, as she snuffled hard through a snot-filled nose.

She fell asleep for a half an hour, woke up again with a muffled cry.

This cry was different, a short mew and then catching her breath.

She wouldn’t breastfeed longer than ten seconds before raising her head and flopping her body over onto my belly. She’d begin the mew again and then a desperate attempt to breathe.

Between patting her back and waving my homemade Vicks Vaporub under her nose and keeping her sitting upright next to me in bed, she managed to breathe easily enough to fall asleep again – so long as I kept her in sitting position and kept the vaporub under her nose and didn’t dare fall asleep myself.

Now my daughter is awake. Completing her morning exercises, the daily exploration of the living room. Except for the heavy mouth-breathing, the crusty eyes, and the snot that I can’t seem to keep off her face, you’d never know what kind of night she had.

And today, my empathy can’t be self-pitying. I may be exhausted, but I am only thankful – thankful that last night’s fears were naught. My daughter breathes, she plays, she explores.

We made it through the night. And, this morning?

She’s beautiful, my snot-nosed baby.

A little over a year ago, I wrote up a post declaring my “side” on the many different parenting decisions for the first year. To quote my introduction, this was so “I can look back years from now and shake my head at how naive and idealistic I was back before I had children.”

Well, now that I’ve had one go-round at the first year, it’s time to see what I’ve done and what I think NOW.

The first days:

I didn’t have a lot of choice about what went on during the first days – between the c-section and Tirzah Mae’s NICU stay, things were mostly done by protocol. I still hold by my theories – but we just didn’t have the opportunity for delayed cord clamping or skin-to-skin this time around (nor did the hospital ask me prior to giving Tirzah Mae her eye drops – even so, while *I* and my midwife know that Tirzah Mae wasn’t going to get chlamydia or gonnorrhea from me, I understand why the hospitals don’t just take a woman’s word for it.)

Diapering

As soon as Tirzah Mae ran out of the one bag of preemie diapers I bought for her when she came home from the hospital, we switched to prefolds and have been using them ever since. We’ve been gifted with covers that we use most of the time (although I have used plastic pants too). We used snappies a lot until Tirzah Mae got diaper rash and I started leaving the cover off around the house – then the pins hold things on much better.

Feeding

Breast or bottle?
I still hate that question. Tirzah Mae has received breastmilk exclusively – initially via a tube into her stomach, then from a bottle, and finally at the breast. Initially, she just got one breastfeeding a day and the rest from a bottle – but we switched around Christmastime (her due date) to breastfeeding ’round the clock with a bottle only before bed for her Vitamin D and iron supplement.

Scheduled feedings or “on demand”?
The hospital enforced scheduled feedings every 3 hours – and it absolutely broke my heart. Even as a preemie, Tirzah Mae gave very clear hunger cues – cues that said she wanted to eat every 2 to 2.5 hours. Once I brought her home, I fed her whenever she gave cues (and continue to do so.) I continue to believe this is nutritionally the best approach to infant feeding (and can be quite doable, especially for a stay-at-home mom).

Vitamin D or no?
Tirzah Mae got drops in her evening bottle until the expressed breastmilk from her hospitalization ran out (sometime in August) At that point, we were going outdoors daily (and I skipped the sunscreen unless we were going to be out longer than 15-20 minutes.) Now that it’s getting cold and we’re not out as much, it’s probably time to start them up again (this time, she doesn’t need them mixed with anything to not spit them out.)

Nursing cover, blanket, or nothing at all?
Still don’t use any hidey devices

Introducing solids?
Adjusting for age made this one difficult. My “no sooner than six months” – is that for corrected or calendar age? Tirzah Mae started eating sometime right around 6 months by the calendar – because she refused to let me eat in peace.

First foods?
The only baby food I’ve purchased is baby oatmeal, which Tirzah Mae ate three servings of. Then she ate table food – we ground it with a handheld baby food mill for about two weeks and she’s been eating it straight from the table (mashed or diced and now in chunks) ever since. I did not introduce one food at a time as originally intended – and I don’t think I ever will.

Weaning from the breast?
Still going strong and no end in sight.

Weaning from the bottle?
I ended up using one, but only infrequently after the first few months – she hasn’t gotten one since the breastmilk from the NICU ran out, and she’s never missed it.

Pacifier?
The NICU never asked, they just started her on one. I’d ask them not to if I were in the situation again – but it didn’t hurt us. She gave it up on her own sometime around six months and we haven’t used it since (even if I’ve tried a couple times in desperation :-P)

Potential allergens?
I’ve been pretty consistent with this one – Tirzah Mae gets the same foods we eat except for honey (until tomorrow!) I have given her bits of cow’s milk with meals over the past month (earlier than the one year I mentioned earlier), but it’s been pretty minimal amounts (and therefore unlikely to damage her kidneys, which is the real concern with early intro of cow’s milk.

Sleep

I REALLY underestimated what my own sleep deprivation would induce me to do in this area!

Cosleeping?
Never in our bed, I said. Ha. That did NOT happen. But we weaned her from our bed and into her crib sometime between 4 and 6 months.

Back or front?
Yep, back to sleep saves babies’ lives – but I never managed to keep Tirzah Mae asleep on her back (until summertime – and then she wanted to be on her back. So weird.

Nursing to sleep?
We still do – and I don’t wake her back up to brush. We brush and do our fluoride drops during the day.

Rocking to sleep?
While I occasionally wish I could just put Tirzah Mae down and have her fall asleep by herself, I generally enjoy our bedtime routine (which, yes, includes breastfeeding and rocking to sleep)

Swaddling?
I didn’t want to rely on this and we haven’t. It was helpful before her due date, but not so much after.

Sleep training/Crying it out?
I still believe sleep training is not for newborns (you’re unlikely to find someone who has actually studied infant sleep who thinks you should.) But I also believe sleep training can be a very loving thing to do. I really will publish that “Loving by Sleep Training” post one of these days – suffice to say that I used a modified version of sleep training on two different occasions and did so because it was the only way I could love my daughter in those circumstances.

Miscellany

Babywearing?
Tummy Time?
Car seats?
I stand by what I said – and I’ve stood by it pretty well this year.

Church nursery?
The NICU really encouraged us to avoid the church nursery until Tirzah Mae was a year old. I held off until I started teaching Sunday School and now she’s in there during Sunday School and my Bible study. She’s with Daniel and I during services. We’ve had two or three colds in the two months since she’s been in the nursery. I think I’m pretty pro keeping little ones with me unless they’re really keeping me from being able to participate (which Tirzah Mae would at this point, with teaching Sunday School and participating in Bible Study.)

So, when theory turns to action, I’m a little more realistic, but I’m still an idealogue. Bring on the next baby (so I can change my mind on more)!

I am a teacher at heart.

I love to transmit information, ideas, skills.

I like to think deeply, like to communicate deep thoughts.

Which is why I was nervous when I was asked to teach Sunday School to second graders a few years back.

I love to teach, not to do worksheets with kids. I like deep doctrine, hearty theology, difficult passages. How could I do that with second graders? (I learned, somewhat)

This is why I was nervous when I was placed in a 3-year-old classroom this year.

I love to teach, not to babysit. How could I do that with 3-year-olds? (I’m learning)

It’s also why I’m kinda tentative with my own daughter.

Everyone tells new parents that it’s hard to mess up parenting a baby. You change them, you feed them, you love them.

But I love to TEACH. How can I teach my baby?

Mostly, I think of how I’ll teach her one day when I actually can.

And then I started noticing Tirzah Mae going over to the pile of books, pulling one out and babbling to herself as she leafed through the pages. She likes when I read the board books to her – but she prefers books with regular pages when she’s reading to herself. After all, that’s what her mama reads to HERSELF.

And then I started noticing Tirzah Mae grabbing a pen (my Zebra pens!) and holding them ever so carefully between thumb and forefinger, running the point along whatever surface is handy.

And then I started noticing Tirzah Mae perking up whenever music came on, waving her hands and singing along.

And I realized that now may not be the time for teaching Tirzah Mae to read or write or sing. It may not be the time for imparting information or attaining to skills. But it is the time for forming affections.

When I spend every spare moment (when my hands aren’t otherwise occupied) with my nose in a book, I teach Tirzah Mae that books are valuable and worth reading. When I spend my mornings writing as I do Bible study and as I jot down a note on what I’m reading or make a grocery list, I teach Tirzah Mae that writing is a valuable skill and worth learning. When I sing a song, turn on a CD, dance to music (in my own home and elsewhere), I teach Tirzah Mae that music is valuable and to be enjoyed.

She likely doesn’t understand the Bible stories I read to her every night before bed. She probably doesn’t get the deep theological truths in the hymns we sing as she falls asleep. She doesn’t know what the words in the Bible I read every morning mean.

But now is the time for forming affections. So even if I’m not lecturing, not explaining some truth. Even if she’s not internalizing the Bible passages or their meanings, she’s learning. She’s learning that the word of God is precious. That the truths found in hymns are beautiful. That they are important.

I don’t see outward signs yet, like I do with reading and writing and music; but I can continue modeling Christian discipline for my daughter and can do it with ever-renewed vigor when I am reminded that now is the time for forming affections.

In the past several years, I’ve seen not a few web articles focused on preventing temper tantrums. The gist of each of these articles is that temper tantrums are generally the result of a child’s unmet need, often biological.

A temper tantrum happens, the expert mother-blogger writes, because your child is hungry or tired or hasn’t been told what to expect. If a mother can just make sure her child is never hungry, never tired, and never unprepared, she can prevent temper tantrums.

I never gave much thought to these articles until recently, when Tirzah Mae started throwing temper tantrums – full-fledged, beat-on-the-floor-with-her-fists, angry temper tantrums. I observed that these did indeed generally occur when she was tired or hungry.

I wondered – are the mommy bloggers right? Are Tirzah Mae’s temper tantrums biological necessities? Are they a result of poor parenting? Are they God’s fault? Are they my fault? Or does she hold some responsibility for her actions?

Then, I found myself having a temper tantrum.

I generally forget about my temper tantrums until they’re upon me.

The thing that has been bothering me all through the month, that I’ve been patting myself on the back for handling so well? Suddenly it’s too much and my blood is boiling.

I don’t need to check my calendar to know what time of the month it is. This temper tantrum – these temper tantrums – the seemingly uncontrollable frustration and anger and disappointment and rage happens like clockwork once a month.

It feels like I don’t have a choice in it, feels like my biology insists upon this temper tantrum. I try to resolve to control myself, to fight against myself. But month after month, I lose the battle.

It’s my hormones. I don’t have a choice.

I can tell myself that, but it’s not true.

Sure, my biology contributes to my tantrum – but my sin contributes more.

It’s my sin that seeks its own, that refuses to see another perspective. It’s my sin that pouts instead of presenting my requests to God. It’s my sin that rages instead of seeking resolution, that harbors grudges instead of forgiving.

So what does this teach me about parenting my daughter?

I think it teaches me several things:

First, I must pray for my daughter.

When the flesh tries to control the flesh, it fails. It is only by the Spirit of God that anyone truly develops patience, kindness, and self-control. If I, a regenerated believer who has been walking with the Lord for over 25 years, still struggle so much with my temper, how much harder must it be for my daughter? Tirzah Mae’s temper tantrums should remind me that she, that we all, are sinners at the core and in need of salvation through Christ. As a parent, I should be regularly be bringing my daughter before the Lord, pleading with Him for her salvation.

Second, I must not excuse her behavior.

Just as I cannot excuse my own temper tantrums. I cannot excuse hers. Temper tantrums must be dealt with. Simply giving in to the demands she makes will not teach her anything – it won’t teach her to control her temper or teach her to go to the Lord for help to control her temper. It will teach her that temper tantrums get her what she wants – and she will continue to have them regularly. As a parent, I need to be teaching my daughter what is and is not appropriate behavior and what will and will not produce desirable results.

Third, I must not provoke my daughter to anger.

Ephesians 6:4 warns fathers not to provoke their children to anger – but I think it applies to mothers as well. While I can not prevent all of her temper tantrums, I can learn how to gently guard my daughter from situations where she feels that a temper tantrum is her only recourse. I can, to the best of my ability, make sure she is fed before she’s ravenous by establishing regular meal and snack times. I can, to the best of my ability, pay attention to her cues and put her to bed before she becomes over-tired. I can pull her out of crowds for a time out when I see that she’s getting overstimulated.

Finally, I must trust the Lord with my daughter.

It’s so easy to think that everything our children do reflects directly on us or to think that somehow we should be able to change our children’s behavior. But it doesn’t and we aren’t. Our children are their own people – and the only One who can change their hearts (far more important than changing their behavior) is God. So we must continue to entrust our children to His keeping.

Do I make parenthood look bad?

It’s the question I asked myself as Daniel drove us home from our twice-monthly dinner club.

We’re the first couple among the group who’ve had children while continuing to regularly attend – and when people ask me how I am, I’m likely to respond that I’m tired, Tirzah Mae’s not been sleeping, it’s got to be teething, or (my favorite line) “I signed up for this – and it’s only another twenty years or so.”

But is that the sum of how I feel about parenthood? How I feel about myself as a stay-at-home helpmeet or about Tirzah Mae as my 24/7 companion?

No. It’s not.

Parenthood is hard, make no mistakes about it. But it is also rewarding, fun even.

But the “Happy Food” friends ask me when I’m hungry because it’s an hour after my normal eating hour, when I’m exhausted because I’m at the end of the day (and quite possibly after my usual bedtime.) So I respond with a litany of complaints.

I remarked on this to Daniel and he responded that I was being honest. That I have found parenthood hard.

And it’s true. Parenthood has been hard. But I realized that even Daniel doesn’t see the fun I have.

By the time Daniel gets home from work, I’m hungry (it’s almost dinner time!) and I’m tired (it’s been a long day of work and play.) Tirzah Mae gets clingy right around the same time I’m trying to get dinner prepared, so I’m often feeling stressed about juggling cooking and a clingy child. So Daniel hears my frustrations, my exhaustion, my readiness for a break.

When Tirzah Mae and I go out in the morning and I talk with other moms, I’m more than likely stressed about having had to get out of the door by a specific time and I’m working to keep Tirzah Mae’s normal morning energy under control so she’s not disrupting whatever we’re doing. So I’m likely to be happier than at night, but still frustrated.

What no one else sees is what happens in the mornings and early afternoons, while Tirzah Mae and I are both well rested and well fed. We roll around on the floor laughing. We dance around the living room. We make faces at one another. We cuddle. We go out on the front porch and watch the rain streaming down, occasionally sticking our hands in the overflow from the gutters. We talk through the ordinary events of our day – making oatmeal, changing diapers, making the bed, putting on makeup or brushing my hair, cleaning the toilet, watering the garden, washing dishes, emptying the dehumidifier, folding laundry or hanging it to dry,

I’m sorry for how I represent parenthood. It’s not as bad as I make it look.